"Ciao bambini!" Welcome to the only newsletter that could have saved the entire population of Pompeii with just one of our ridiculous stories, "Only In Italy!"
Si! We know. Another issue. We're currently on a writing rampage. Get out of the way, "cornuti!"
Enjoy the issue, keep writing and Grazie!
Milan - September 9, 2010 - Mattress-makers have given sales figures a bounce by inventing a specially designed bed to help disorderly lovers.
The love mattress includes special straps and handles for couples to hang on to when passions are rising high, reports CEN. Further down the bed, which costs 1,400 Euros ($1875 USD), is a carefully designed trench where men can place their knees for extra traction and grip.
The bed's inventors have included specially strong springs in the mattress's make-up, so even the laziest lovers can put extra snap into their performance.
The bed is being launched by Italian makers Sogniflex, whose boss Paolo Tonelli said: "There are studies which show that about 70 per cent of men and women say they are unsatisfied with their love-making or have some kind of performance problem.
"I wanted to invent something that could really help them, because most beds are designed for sleeping, not for making love."
"Hey, amore, vai a cagare. I'm not spending this amount of cash to help save our marriage."
Getting one of our love mattresses is not going to solve your performance problem. The problem is something else. Here's a question: Do you or do you not have to work on a relationship?
The answer is "si". All these relationships are hard work. When you meet a woman and you try to get under her designer skirt that isn't work. That's fun. And when you're dating and having a great relationship it's never hard work. You're constantly thinking, "Mamma mia, I can't wait to see her!" Before you realize it, you're making "amore" on any kind of surface imaginable (floor, kitchen table, rocks, tractor engine, roof of the rabbit shed, etc.).
Then you get married and 5-6 years into it, you're saying, "Oh Dio, we have to go see a counselor"..."Minchia, she's still here"..."Porca vacca, she's yelling at me"..."Che palle, I've got to give a little, she's got to give a little"...
"CAZZO, WHAT IS THIS?"
Yes, the fun stops. The fun STOPS. We've been screaming for years at our fellow peers, "Faccia di culo, don't get married!"..."Testa di minchia, you're really asking for it!" But no one listens. NO ONE! We get typical responses like, "Vaffanculo, my girlfriend/wife is different!" Then we wait a while and they'll eventually come up to us and whisper in our ears..."there is no difference."
Making love is like going to the bathroom...it should just naturally happen. If you disagree with us and you're unhappy, by all means, buy the love mattress. It will be just a matter of time before you rip the special straps and handles off and put them on your walls so they'll be easier to climb.
Turin - September 10, 2010 - A 60-year-old woman from a town near Turin has become the latest in a spate of deaths among mushroom hunters in the northern Italian mountains.
The body of Marisa Sartori from Robassomero was found in a crevice about 20m under a mountain road.
On Wednesday another woman died after falling from a mountain track.
Some 20 mushroom hunters have fallen to their deaths in the past month as they sought the prized tubers after rains.
Wild mushrooms are currently fetching premium prices at northern Italian markets.
Italy has turned mushroom hunting into practically an art, and it takes someone skilled to do it well. When certain wild mushrooms are in season, particularly truffles, Italian nincompoops can become very competitive and secretive when going out on the hunt, for example, wearing camouflage and hunting in darkness in an effort to scout remote, highly-coveted troves.
Of course, the camouflage certainly helps. That's so the mushrooms do not get frightened and scurry away.
There are about 300 different types of non-edible mushrooms in Europe. Eating them can cause problems such as digestive discomfort (nausea, diarrhea) for a limited period of time or more serious ailments such as convulsions, tachycardia or kidney infection. No one knows more about these ailments than the 40,000 Italians that suffer from mushroom poisoning every year.
If you have nothing better to do in Italy and you're interested in hunting for wild mushrooms, here are some tips:
- Get a real live guide who does not have angry issues with his neighbors,
- Be 100 percent sure that the mushrooms you forage is safe. The easiest way is to show it to your guide. If he takes more than 5 seconds to identify it, don't take any chances and throw it in his face.
- Avoid the so-called prized mushrooms that flourish only on the side of steep cliffs. Tell your guide to be your guest and go first.
Or you can also hunt for mushrooms at your local supermarket. Go to the produce section where you'll find different varieties, reasonable prices and fewer cliffs.
Rome - September 13, 2010 - Faced with a tottering economy and a crumbling coalition government, Silvio Berlusconi has chosen to woo a youth rally with jokes about Adolf Hitler and his own sexual prowess.
Appearing relaxed, if a little pale, before a crowd of cheering supporters yesterday, the frequently outspoken and gaffe-prone Italian prime minister promised to see out the end of his term, despite losing his guaranteed majority after a split with an ally, Gianfranco Fini.
Putting politics aside, he then launched into a series of anecdotes and apparent jokes that promptly drew accusations of anti-Semitism and even mental instability from opposition politicians.
The former cruise ship entertainer told a joke in which Adolf Hitler is begged by his supporters to return to power after they discover he is still alive. After resisting, Hitler says: "I'll come back, but on one condition ... next time I'm going to be evil."
Fabio Evangelisti, a member of parliament for the opposition Italy of Values party, demanded Berlusconi apologize to Israel and the Italian Jewish community. The party's leader, Antonio Di Pietro, said: "At this point the problem is not political or judicial, but psychiatric."
Turning his attention to the economy, Berlusconi jokingly advised young Italians to marry into money, adding: "I have a daughter who is free to marry."
Now separated from his wife following the scandal over his friendship with the teenage model Noemi Letizia, Berlusconi said he was also an eligible candidate for four reasons: "I am friendly, I have money, legend has it I know how to do 'it', and lastly because girls think: 'He's old and rich, he will die soon and I will inherit everything.'"
The poor performance over the weekend of AC Milan, the football club he controls, was down to a leftwing referee disallowing goals, Berlusconi joked.
The impromptu speech followed a visit to Russia on Friday, where he surprised the audience at a conference on democracy with a fierce attack on Italian magistrates he claims are hounding him. He said of Vladimir Putin: "I have never had any doubts that he is anything less than democratically minded." Putin and Russian president Dmitry Medvedev, Berlusconi added, were "a gift from God" to Russia.
Last month, Berlusconi took time to defend Muammar Gaddafi after the Libyan leader told an invited audience of 200 women in Rome that Islam should be "Europe's religion". When the speech prompted outcry from the Vatican, Berlusconi dismissed Gaddafi's behavior as merely "folkloric".
Berlusconi, 73, has previously been criticized for calling Barack Obama "young, handsome and tanned", and last year for leaving Angela Merkel waiting to greet him at a conference while he made a call on his mobile phone.
Despite the criticism today, Berlusconi claimed he was "a respected statesman who is praised at international summits for his background as a tycoon, his 16 years of political experience and the content of his proposals."
He said he had learned from Margaret Thatcher not to waste time reading negative coverage of himself in newspapers. The former British prime minister, he said, had told him that her press secretary only showed her positive articles about her.
Ahhh..."cazzo", this is getting so old. We give up. How do we get through to someone who is limited in his capacity? We look at the chuckled face on the screen and try to guess if it's hair or a coat of paint on his pate.
And we don't get the Hitler reference. No, we don't. There must be a "European joke" in there somewhere. "Cazzarola", it's like opening the refrigerator 20 times in the span of half an hour hoping something worth having is going to present itself.
Whenever we watch him on TV for 20 minutes..."che palle", it feels like 3 hours! If you feel like life is going too fast for you, just tune in to one of his speeches or joke sessions. It must have some therapeutic value. Cancer patients should watch him.
Dottore: "I'm sorry, you only have 3 hours to live."
(20 minutes later...)
Patient: "Hey, dottore! You said I only have 3 hours to live. I just watched a 3 hour rambling and I'm still here!"