"Thanks for resuming your newsletter - love your sarcasm! You would fit perfectly into our Italian family." Linda B.
Grazie Linda. We would love to be part of your family...anything to get away from ours. Would we be able to express our intelligent opinions at your dinner table without getting interrupted every 8 seconds?
Enjoy the issue, keep writing and Grazie!
Vercelli - October 4, 2013 - Italian police stopped a distinguished and educated businessman from Liguria who had not declared his income for years at the wheel of a Ferrari.
The man had not signed any car rental documents for the Ferrari F430 Scuderia super car, worth more than 120,000 Euros ($160,000 USD), police said.
Police also discovered that the owner of the car rental company was also completely unknown to Italian tax authorities.
In Italy this is who we call a discreet "testa di minchia". One who reminds us of Liberace saying, "I don't want anyone noticing my clothes".
Italy's tax evasion fun facts:
- An estimated 285 billion Euros ($385 billion USD) remained unpaid in 2012. That's 18% of GDP.
- According to gov't stats, 1.6 million Italians work in bars, hotels and restaurants; one million are on the books while the other 600,000 are hidden. But no one knows where they're hiding; in tents in the restaurant parking lots, under the bar counter...
- 1 out of every four helicopters are owned by Italians who declare less than 20,000 Euros ($27,000 USD) a year.
- The percentage of medical doctors in the province of Caserta that do not issue invoices or receipts is...100%.
A category of professionals that deserve a standing ovation. Thank you, doctors.
Assisi - October 4, 2013 - During a visit to a cloistered convent in the central Italian city of Assisi, Pope Francis berated nuns whose fixed smiles betray "a lack of joy that comes from within".
"I am so disappointed when I meet nuns who are joyless, who may smile with the smile of a flight attendant but not with the smile of joy that comes from within", the pontiff told nuns at the Santa Chiara cloistered convent.
Living in an enclosed order must not be "purgatory", Francis told the nuns.
"Nuns must not be too spiritual, and must endeavor to be experts in humanity in order that convent life is not purgatory," he said.
He urged the nuns to embrace communal living and to live together like members of a happy, loving family.
"Know how to forgive, how to tolerate each other because the devil takes every opportunity to divide us. Nurture friendships with each other and family life. And don't brag!" he told the nuns.
He was accompanied to Assisi by eight cardinals, with whom he has spent the past three days discussing a radical program of reform for the scandal-tainted Vatican government beginning with the drafting of a new constitution.
Francis He wants to see an overhaul of the Church, bringing it closer to ordinary people.
AH, SEE? Here come the flashbacks again from those Catholic School years...along with the cold sweat, anger and the question that crossed our minds over and over, "Porca Eva, now what did I do?"
Pope: "I am so disappointed when I meet nuns who are joyless..." Eh, joyless?! That's puzzling to us because back in the good ol' days these delightful ladies seemed to be bursting with joy when it came down to giving violent recommendations:
"And what will YOU be giving up for Lent?"
Pope: "...who may smile with the smile of a flight attendant but not with the smile of joy that comes from within." "Cacchio", this is a given. We would have been more than happy to have gone to First Communion and Confirmation classes with flight attendants. The phony smiles, juice, extra pillow, blanket...and our choice of chicken or beef on "no-meat Fridays" during Lent could have only helped strengthen our faith.
Pope: "Nuns must not be too spiritual, and must endeavor to be experts in humanity..." Does he mean like the ones that ditched the habits, dressed "normally" and went undercover at the playgrounds and malls?
Pope: "...live together like members of a happy, loving family." No, there was no happiness and love in class...especially for the boys. Look, nobody in class was safe but we'll never understand why the ratio of physical rage against boys vs that of girls was about five to one. Thanks for the holy discrimination. "Grazie." Much appreciated.
Rome - October 3, 2013 - Italian prosecutors are going ahead with investigations into allegations that Berlusconi bribed a showgirl to keep quiet about the procurement of prostitutes for his parties, as the former prime minister faces the humiliation of being thrown out of Parliament.
Berlusconi allegedly paid 1.5 million Euros (2 million USD) to Sabina Began, a former model who was nicknamed the "Queen Bee" of his female court, in return for her silence.
Began is being investigated for allegedly recruiting call-girls to parties held by Berlusconi at his residence in Rome, in the months after he announced that he was divorcing his second wife, Veronica Lario.
The German-born former actress, who has the initials SB for Silvio Berlusconi tattooed on her ankle and has in the past declared she was in love with him, reportedly used 600,000 Euros of the money to buy an apartment in Rome. She has denied recruiting prostitutes and says the money was just a gift.
Prosecutors are also investigating that Berlusconi paid 500,000 Euros to Gianpaolo Tarantini, a businessman from Bari in southern Italy, to lie about providing him with prostitutes.
In exchange for the cash, Mr. Tarantini, who sold prosthetic limbs before striking up a friendship with the then prime minister, was supposed to say that the women he sent to the parties were simply friends, rather than paid escorts.
In a phone conversation tapped by prosecutors in 2011, Berlusconi discussed the supply of women for a party with Mr. Tarantini, telling him: "Listen Gianpaolo, we need at most two each. Then we can trade. After all, the p_ssy needs to go around."
After reading this, the first few doubts that come to mind is, "Is love still overrated?"
In our stupid defense there are still a few gallant Italian gentlemen who would still throw coats down over puddles. Problem is we don't know how many coats we would have to go through before women are convinced we have no ulterior motives.
Look, we have no millions...but we would spend so much time gently kissing your thighs the seasons would actually change. That's "amore".
Regardless, there are a few gallant Italians here that would like to give a little advice for the "Queen Bee Troia" or former actress (by the way, former actress means she was acting up until the voice mails for work stopped coming in):
- A Queen Bee can be active for two or more years...and replacing a Queen after a couple of seasons ensures maximum mating productivity.
- Some rich beekeepers (one in particular has a toupee that resembles a hairy swim cap) can afford to replace their Queens every autumn. This ensures that your hive in Rome has a new energetic and young former actress each spring.
- As a Queen ages, her recruiting capability slows down dramatically, which results in less and less _____ (fill in the blank) each season...along with less and less rationality for keeping her around.
As a beekeeper, your job is to anticipate problems before they happen. An ageing Queen is something that you can deal with. You can give her a bank check and accompany her home by donkey, and replace her with, for example, a prosthetic limbs salesman from Southern Italy.
"I have 50 billion Euros ($68 billion USD), so much I have no idea how to spend it." (Silvio, February 8, 2007)
We might give the beekeeper "testa di cazzo" a hand with this one...but not tonight. We're miserable and going home to bed without showering. Life is less aggravating when you go to sleep early.