"Buona sera" Welcome to a newsletter written by a bunch of Sicilians in search of a Stargate in the hills of Corleone, "Only In Italy!"

Whoever wrote the proverb, "con niente non si fa niente" (you can't make something from nothing), should have a little chat with a talentless dancer/dental hygienist who is now a part-time counselor for the region of Lombardia...earning 10,000 Euros ($13,700 USD) a month.   

Enjoy the issue, keep writing and Grazie!

Rome - November 3, 2010 - Too much time on the cellphone appears to "put sperm to sleep" and can pose a risk for male fertility, Italian doctors believe.

According to the preliminary results of a study by Rome's La Sapienza University and the Santa Maria Goretti Hospital at Latina south of the capital, "there is a correlation between cellphone use and a worsening in sperm mobility," said Andrea Lenzi, president of the Italian Society of Andrology and Sexual Medicine (SIAMS).

"The waves appear to put the sperm to sleep," Lenzi went on.

"The data are, however, preliminary and we are verifying the presence of other factors: people who speak on their cellphones a lot are often more stressed or they smoke and drink more, and that can impact sperm quality".

The study, which examined sperm from men using cellphones from a minimum of half an hour to a maximum of four hours a day, will be presented at SIAMS' annual congress in Modena Thursday.

The conference will also see new data on testicular cancer risks from DDT and the anti-oxidant-rich foods men should eat to boost their sperm count.

"Mamma mia", the hectic lives we live today are slowing down sperm mobility. No wonder, at times, we don't feel anything moving in our pants. We can almost feel that sperm quality slipping away. But what about our lazy and semi-retired friends who spend hours on the benches in the piazzas? Their sperm has to be comatose.

Here are some other factors that may be putting our "Italian sperm to sleep":

- Not having sex,
- Ugly Italian women in general,
- Women whose asses hang like Tiramisu,
- Women with visible moustaches...and pork chop sideburns,
- Women who can barely talk or hee-haw like donkeys,
- Cold water,
- Being married for 20 years (but to your sperm it may feel like 40),
- Going home to the same woman everyday for the rest of your life,
- Hearing the following words, "Eh, I do not approve of that 'cazzata' you are going to. Go home and look at your children!" (more damaging if you're berated via cell phone).

"Porca trota", and the list goes on and on...

Vatican City - November 3, 2010 - Pope Benedict XVI took the Naples garbage crisis as his cue for a Wednesday general audience sermon where he urged faithful to "clean out the trash from our consciences and souls".

"We need to let Jesus into our consciences so they are illuminated and cleaned," said the pontiff.

"Trash is not just in the streets...only the power and light of the Lord signals the right path".

"Let us be illuminated and cleaned in order to learn the true life".

We couldn't agree more. In many parts of Southern Italy, a child’s first confession is now celebrated. Parents film the little weenie as he walks to the confessional to clean out the trash from his conscience and have a feast afterwards to celebrate his acquittal. All that’s missing is his standing on a table and reciting the confessed sins to the invited guests.

Dear Lord,

Help me to consider the feelings of Napolitani, even if most of them are full of crap and immobile from liquor.
Help me to take things more seriously, especially when I witness Sicilians with nothing fighting over nothing.
Give me patience when my Uncle Vincenzo talks about his bad childhood and why, during World War II, he had to pick bugs off my father just to eat.
Help me to take responsibility for the consequences of my actions, even though they're usually the fault of the "figli di puttana" who are governing in Rome.
Keep me open to free speech, even though I would gladly give up it up just to prevent Sicilians from expressing their pearls of wisdom.
Give me patience, even when the employees at my local post office pace themselves like slugs.

Grazie, Lord.
Amen

Vatican City - November 3, 2010 - The 'golden arches' of a well-known fast food chain are unlikely to go up anywhere inside the Vatican any time soon given that the Church considers this form of eating as a "negation of dialogue".

According to the Holy See's 'culture minister', soon-to-be cardinal Msgr. Gianfranco Ravasi, "fast food has become the negation of dialogue through eating. Let us not forget that a meal is at the center of the Liturgy in which food is used as a symbol".

Msgr Ravasi made his remarks to the press Wednesday during the presentation of the upcoming plenary session of the Pontifical Council for Culture, which he heads, that will be dedicated to the theme of "the Culture of Communication and New Languages'.

One day of the November 10-13 council session, he said, will see participants treated to a full-course Renaissance meal "in order to study the language of food, how it is a form and means of communication".

"Each course, prepared using Renaissance recipes, will be presented in a way to demonstrate how esthetic taste and the communication of meaning can go together," Msgr Ravasi explained.

Communication and a sense of communion through eating, he added, needs to be restored in celebrations of certain church rites, not only weddings but also funerals, as is the case in the tradition of the Eastern Church.