|Case: "My son, the prosperous and brilliant bellboy!"|
- Peppino's Insurance Co.
- "We'll protect you...one way or another!"
- Piazza Repubblica, 145 - Corleone 90034 - Sicily ITALY
Caro Signore Eric Balls,
Buon giorno! Come sta? How was your Easter?
Signore Balls, I am writing to you regarding a few complaints we have received from your concerned relatives of Corleone and Lentini here in Italy.
It has come to our attention that your lazy and annoying attitude towards finishing college and that breathtaking career move you've taken has turned into a real nuisance and it should be dealt with immediately! Word of your moronic behavior has even reached the ears of the friends and relatives of the Nisi dynasty in Italy and, quite frankly, they are shocked and embarrassed! In simple words, you've become a real pain in the hole and everyone's blood pressure is starting to go through the roofs.
First of all, I must write what a pleasure and honor it must be to have the first bellboy enter the Nisi Family workforce. You must be so proud! To give up a four-year scholarship, drop out on your last year at St. John's College and become a bellboy was a brilliant career move that everyone will be talking about on Career Day on campus.
After all, Signore Balls, it takes well over $100,000 of hard-earned college money to understand:
* How to carry as many suitcases in the least amount of trips,
* That sex is definitely going on somewhere in the hotel but you can't figure out where,
* That the bellboy never gets sex,
* That no girl will ever say, "I'm going out with a great bellboy.”
* That you'll need to learn Spanish so you can communicate with your fellow co-workers,
* That one day you'll be promoted to dishwasher.
But, obviously, your comprehension of this is beyond help because you're too busy drinking beer and smoking pot with the rest of your suitcase-toting loser friends. You dropped out of a prestigious college to wear a funny green or maroon colored suit, pick up and drop off incidentals and haul bags in and out of cabs.
That must be some pot you're smoking! Heroin would have done less damage.
Can you explain why you wanted to take the year off from college? It's your last year. What issues are you avoiding? What are you hiding? People who take time off from school to drink beer and smoke pot usually move to somewhere in Arizona, become artists and worship their own big heads.
We don't understand you, Signore Balls. The family never experienced any problems with you before. Do you have intentions of continuing your disrespect and betrayal towards the family? You’ll surely regret it if you do.
Signore Balls, we sincerely hope we do not receive another complaint from the friends and relatives of the Nisi family here in Italy. If you like hauling suitcases so much then get back to school and carry your Dean's bags and books. Maybe he'll let your callous hands and marvelous brain back in!
Thank you and Tanti Saluti da Corleone!