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 | Case: "Old Irish fart who can't stop being a sex machine." |
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- Peppino's Insurance Co.
- "We'll protect you...one way or another!"
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- Piazza Repubblica, 145 - Corleone 90034 - Sicily ITALY
Caro Signore Holmes,
Buon giorno! Come sta?
Signore Holmes, I am writing to you regarding a few complaints we have received from your dear wife, Signora Eugenie Bogetti. We sincerely hope you will the find the time from your extremely busy sex sessions to read the rest of the letter.
It has come to our attention that your lustful but annoying sexual behavior towards Signora Eugenie has turned into a real nuisance and it should be moderated drastically! Word of your house turning into the "Garden of Eden" has reached the ears of the relatives of Signora Bogetti and your ex-wife in Italy and, quite frankly, they are shocked and embarrassed! In simple words, you've become a real pain in the hole and everyone is starting to get tired of it.
We can't understand your behavior, Signore Holmes. Are you aware that you're not Italian! You're a 58 year-old Irishman whose ass hangs like an old couch. Forget the pasta! You're supposed to be interested in boiled cabbage, potatoes and warm beer. If you much admire the true Italian culture then you should spend more time treating the lovely Signora Eugenie with respect and honor.
But obviously you haven't done so because you spend it doing inventory of your sex toys, arranging your Oscar-winning porn movies in alphabetical order and taking hot baths every other evening. Can you please explain what the hot baths are for, Signore Holmes? Is it supposed to grow? Does it get thicker from the humidity? How silly! How stupid!
And while you are running around the house nude getting aroused from anything that moves, Signora Eugenie has to pick up all the wet towels and scrub down the bath tub. Are you not aware that your dear wife wants romance, Signore Holmes! She wants romance and not more objects shoved up her private parts!
Well, Signore Holmes, your behavior has finally gotten as inappropriate as your weight and it is time to give "ye olde Irish pecker" a rest! Now is the moment to think about what you can do for the lovely Signora Eugenie. Please leave out penetration.
Why don't you start out by taking the Signora for a lovely night out on the town? Take her to her favorite Italian restaurant. How about the theater? Pick her up a nice cheesecake from the bakery. Make sure it's ricotta cheese and that its fresh!
Signore Holmes, we sincerely hope we do not receive another complaint from your dear wife and the relatives of the Bogetti family. We're tired of it. If we do, then we'll see how much you like the Sicilian version of midnight surprises. You won't find a horse's head in bed but something else up your arse!
Thank you and Tanti Saluti da Corleone!
Don Peppino
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