|Case: "Running down so-called rats."|
- Peppino's Insurance Co.
- "We'll protect you...one way or another!"
- Piazza Repubblica, 145 - Corleone 90034 - Sicily ITALY
Cara Signora Jude Grazer,
Buon giorno! Come sta, Signora?
Signora Jude, I am writing to you regarding a number of complaints we have received from the members of the "Squirrel Wildlife Rehabilitation".
It has come to our attention that you were involved in a dramatic hit-and-run accident that resulted in the death of an innocent squirrel or "rat" as you've been known to call them. Believe us, it was not simple for our insurance company to track you down, Signora. It wouldn't have been possible without the help of the eyewitness that recorded your license plate number at the scene of the crime. At this point, we assume you would like to refer to this person as a "rat" too.
This stupid and selfish act is not the typical behavior of a smart and sophisticated lady as yourself. It's quite embarrassing and psychotic. How do you think your Sicilian relatives have been reacting to your new mission in life? "Altering the natural habitats of animals with close similarities to rats".
Your lack of respect towards these poor innocent creatures is worrisome to Sicily and the "Squirrel Wildlife Rehabilitation" and so they have asked us to intervene on their behalf.
We kindly ask you to answer the following questions and mail them back to our main office in Corleone, Sicily, as soon as possible:
1.) How do you know the "rat" wanted to commit suicide?
2.) Did the effects of midlife crisis play an important part in the rat's death?
3.) Have you filed any claims for missing acorns in the past 12 months?
4.) Do you suffer from the "Too Much Free Time" syndrome?
5.) Why did you immediately move from Houston to Spring, Texas, immediately after the suicide?
Signora Jude, as soon as we receive the answers to these questions we will then decide what the compensation should be for your lunatic-like behavior. In the meantime, we seriously think you should reflect on what happened on the fateful day in Houston. Killing squirrels could be a stepping-stone to more serious crime: ramming elks.
However, if you feel you are ready to take responsibility, then you should start by offering your apologies to your family, take a driver education course and adopt a so-called rat from the "Squirrel Wildlife Rehabilitation".
Signora Jude, if you sincerely care about your Sicilian roots and the goodness of your name, then we demand that you stop playing “road warrior”, you "disgraziata"!
Give our deepest respects to your dear husband, Rex.