|Case: "No Valentine's Day present?...Thanks!"|
- Peppino's Insurance Co.
- "We'll protect you...one way or another!"
- Piazza Repubblica, 145 - Corleone 90034 - Sicily ITALY
Dear Signore Little Timmy,
Buon giorno! How are you?
Little Timmy, I am writing to you regarding complaints we have received from some disappointed patients at the Medical Center.
It has come to our attention that your lack of respect towards your dear wife is beginning to worsen. We were quite shocked and embarrassed when we heard this sad news. After all, you barely ever talk to your patients about your wife and daughter. Therefore, they practically don't exist. So much so you did not purchase a simple gift for Valentine's Day. Apparently, this day is just as important to you as Arbor Day is to Sicily.
Regardless, they have asked us to quietly intervene.
Now, Little Timmy, you should thank your lucky stars every day that you married into her Family. The Family is the most important aspect of your life now and you should never betray it. It comes first before everything!
Everything, Little Timmy!
Did you honestly think you could have done better? Your dear wife certainly does a lot in her daily life for you while expressing patience and understanding for your daily crappy antics:
- She pretends she doesn't see you looking at the pig with the big boobs.
- She doesn't care when you leave the seat up.
- Her best friend isn't a guy.
- She won't sleep with your best friend.
- She'll laugh at every lame joke you tell.
- She cleans your all your underwear with glee even though, sometimes, it's hard for her to believe one person is wearing them.
We are aware that most of the world celebrates "Valentine's Day" once a year. This is very sad! Here in Italy, couples celebrate it almost every single day! And that's what you should do, Little Timmy. No one asked you to take her out to an overpriced dinner or buy her lame message hearts that taste like a combination of school chalk and baseball card chewing gum. But you could have done something!
It is strange to think that Saint Valentine, who was renowned for his chastity, became the patron saint of lovers. The historical antecedent comes from two sources. During classical Roman times, Emperor Claudius II decreed marriage forbidden for soldiers. A priest named Valentine ignored this decree and encouraged young people to be united in holy matrimony. For this, he was sentenced to prison and executed on February 14th.
If you're not fond of chastity or execution then we strongly advise you to do the following immediately:
First, stop by her favorite pastry shop and pick her up a nice Italian cheesecake and cannoli. Make sure they're fresh! She loves the very fresh kind.
Second, your wife likes to dress very nicely when she goes out. After all, she doesn't like to dress like your loser friends. Pick her up a nice Versace dress in dark gray. It wouldn't kill you to throw in a matching leather purse.
Little Timmy, we sincerely hope you will reflect on what you haven't done. Give our deepest respects to "La Signora" and Adriana.