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 | Case: "University Professor who plays with squirrels." |
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- Peppino's Insurance Co.
- "We'll protect you...one way or another!"
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- Piazza Repubblica, 145 - Corleone 90034 - Sicily ITALY
Caro Professore O'Reilly,
Buon giorno! Come sta?
Professore O'Reilly, I am writing to you regarding numerous complaints we have received from your mother's relatives that reside in Italy.
It has come to our attention that you are involved in selfish and irrational acts that are not typical of a normal human being let alone a University Professor like yourself. Is it true that you are trying to alter the natural habitat of the squirrels that roam on your property? If yes, why is this so? What have they done to you?
Your lack of respect towards these poor innocent squirrels has turned into a real nuisance and it should be stopped immediately! Word of your selfish behavior has even reached the ears of your relatives here in Italy and they are quite shocked and embarrassed! In simple words, you've become a real pain in the ass and everyone is starting to get tired of it.
We don't understand your behavior, Professore O'Reilly. For decades, your relatives in Italy have been looked upon as good and honest people full of love, sincerity, intelligence and sanity. You obviously don't have any idea of how proud they were when the news arrived here that you became a Professor at the University of ??? It is not every day that an O'Reilly becomes a Professor at the University level! Am I correct?
And now you are chasing squirrels, literally! How embarrassing, silly and stupid!
Regardless, your mother's relatives in Italy have asked us to intervene because they obviously do not want the news of your wacky behavior to circulate further in the USA and Italy. Hence the letter we are writing to you.
As a Professor at a prestigious University like the University of ???, one has to ask where do you find the time in your busy schedule to chase squirrels in your backyard, catch them and eventually release them away from your home. What have they done to you? Do you think the squirrels are thrilled with your behavior? Are your fellow colleagues at the University aware that you are playing with squirrels rather than doing research? And what will happen if your students discover your lunatic behavior?
We have analyzed your case and have come to the conclusion that one of two problems (or maybe both) could be the cause of your weird behavior:
1.) too much free time (if so, get a hobby!),
2.) you are inhaling too many bad fumes in the chemistry lab (if so, open a window and let some fresh air in!).
If you sincerely care about your Italian roots and the goodness of your name, then we demand that you stop playing with the squirrels, disgraziato!
Professore O'Reilly, we sincerely hope we do not receive another complaint from your mother's relatives here in Italy. If we do, then we will be left with no choice other than to advise your relatives to disown you and wipe you clean from the Italian family tree.
Thank you and Tanti Saluti da Corleone!
Don Peppino
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