"Ciao tutti!" Welcome to another comical issue of "Only In Italy!"

Where is the border line between Southern and Northern Italy? There is more humor in reading "Only in Italy" than the comics. Grazie! Julie

Thanks Julia! First, We think "Tex Willer" comics is more amusing than us, and second, the borderline between North and South is immediately below Rome. The South usually begins where you see the first Italian below Rome walking around with a half-buttoned shirt.   

Naples - May 14, 2010 - A mayor on the Amalfi coast, one of the most enchanting and expensive coastlines in Europe, wants to get rid of garden gnomes in his pretty clifftop village.

"They cause an alteration of the natural environment," Raffaele Ferraioli, mayor of Furore, told a local daily.

But some lovers of their statues of Snow White and her companions have vowed to resist the mayor's wishes.

"I'm against it. The next thing you know they'll have us asking permission to plant a flower," a villager told Corriere del Mezzogiorno.

Sources on the Furore council, however, said a 'No gnome' ordinance had already been lined up.

"They could be on their way out any minute," they said.

It is not known how many gnomes are in the village, which has a population of 810.

Furore, which gets its name from the waves crashing below it, is a little-known gem midway between Amalfi and Positano.

This is dedicated to any of you who work hard for a living. Here's a list of what we'll be doing in Sicily while the mayor assures the filthy rich who live in his gnome infested village, that he will continue to offer top-notch quality services and help solve problems like rude fish who swim by bathers without smiling:

- See how long we can hold an opera note. (Not that much fun, but it sure passes the free time. Earn extra points for farting an amusing note.)

- Try to not think about sheep. (This is quite difficult, because by trying too hard, you remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about sheep for a long period of time. See? You're picturing sheep in your mind right now, aren't you?)

- Scratch ourselves. (Even if nothing itches, we'll do it anyway. Si-si, it feels pretty good.)

- Repeat the same word over and over until it loses its meaning. (Pick a random Italian curse word and repeat it aloud until it becomes a meaningless song. Ex. zo-zo-zoccola, va-va-vaffanculo!)

- Balance a mozzarella ball on your chin. (At least 30-45 minutes of fun in the kitchen. It can also be entertaining when tried with sleeping people.)

Rome - May 14, 2010 - The fact that inflation last month rose to 1.5% is "absurd and in blatant contrast with basic market rules," Italian consumer groups said on Friday.

"How can inflation rise when consumer spending is falling and unemployment is rising and financial markets are suffering the fallout of the crisis in Greece?", Adusbef and Federconsumatori asked.

"The hike in inflation is not only extremely serious but also cause for great concern, given the heavy repercussions it is going to have on families, with household budgets forced to come up with an additional 450 euros, and on the nation's economy, which continues to suffer from a decline in domestic demand," the consumer groups added.

"Decisive action cannot and must not be delayed any further. It is the government's responsibility to adopt measures which will put the economy on track towards a real recovery," Adusbef and Federconsumatori said.

Another consumer group, Codacons, warned that with the inflation rate at 1.5%, "it's going to be an expensive summer for Italians".

Based on figures from national statistics bureau Istat for transport, air fares, all-included holiday packages and entrance fees for amusement parks, Codacons calculated that Italians will be spending 120 euros more per capita for their summer holidays this year.

In its inflation report, Istat said transport costs were up 5.5% over April 2009, with air fares up 13.4% over April of last year and 14,9% greater than in March, while holiday packages were up 3.8% for the year and 5.9% for the year and amusement entrance fees climbed 1.9% over April 2009 and 2.1% in one month.

"The end result of these price hikes will be that many Italians will cut back on the number of days they take off this summer and choose to take their holidays closer to home to save money," Codacons predicted.

What arrogance coming from "minchioni!" Of course, inflation is still rising!
Prices are still increasing! The buying power of Italians' money is being destroyed!
(Is anyone reading this idiotic newsletter? We're going to go yell from the street corner.)

In January 2010, Italy's inflation rate for 2009 fell to the lowest level in 50 years. Huh?
From what hat did the national statistics bureau pull that "cazzata" from? How did inflation rise to 1.5% in April?

Our Zio Tanino: "I remember when 200,000 Lira was the down payment on a FIAT 126; now it's the sales tax." At that moment of the discussion, we realized we had entered the "Twilight Zone", where perception is more important than reality, and emotions often trump logic.

In response to his unusual howls of dismay and disquieting screaming about how much he hates the way the government is running the country, We patiently said, "Zio, we're discussing inflation. Go back outside and stare at the olive trees. Maybe, this time, the olives will grow right before your eyes."

"...holiday packages were up 3.8% for the year and 5.9% for the year and amusement entrance fees climbed 1.9% over April 2009 and 2.1% in one month..." Luckily, we have no amusement parks in Sicily. When Sicilian children ask to be taken to these parks, we place them in the nearest chicken pen and the amusement of chasing chickens commences.

"Cacchio", and no amusement entrance fee!

Rome - May 14, 2010 - Italian police have arrested a Montenegrin national suspected of being a member of the 'Pink Panther' gang of jewel thieves, Interpol said on Friday.

Radovan Jelusic, a 39-year-old suspected of taking part in an armed robbery in a Tokyo jeweller's in 2007, was identified via his fingerprints after being held in Rome carrying a fake Croatian passport.

The arrest comes less than two weeks after another suspected 'Pink Panther', Serbian Bojan Vuckovic, wanted regarding the robbery of a Vienna jewellery store in November 2008, was detained in Montenegro.

The gang, whose nickname comes from the 1963 film The Pink Panther about a plot to nab a huge diamond, are suspected of stealing over 250-million-euros worth of goods in a series of heists at top jewellery shops in recent years.

Most of their members are thought to come from states that were formerly part of Yugoslavia.

"This arrest, less than two weeks after that of another member of the Pink Panthers, shows the effectiveness of the police investigation into this band of robbers, in particular that of the police in Italy and Montenegro," said Jean-Michel Louboutin, Interpol's Executive Director for Police Services.

"Mamma mia", if it wasn't for Interpol we would have a bumbling and incompetent Inspector Clouseau "willing to bet 10,000 francs, that the phantom is in Cortina at this very moment. Even, perhaps, in this very room."

Believe us, Italy's municipal police force is very similar to the great Inspector:

- Italians have had their share of Italian municipal police officers trying to interview witnesses to a crime without falling down stairs, getting a hand caught in first a medieval knight's gauntlet and then a vase, knocking a witness senseless, destroying a priceless piano or accidentally shooting another officer in the ass.

- Regardless of their rather limited abilities, they successfully solve cases and find the correct culprits, even if this success is achieved entirely by accident.

- They are immensely egocentric and pompous; despite their many failings, they are seemingly convinced that they are brilliant municipal police officers destined to succeed and rise through the ranks of the local town hall.

- They do appear to show some awareness that they are not the most competent or intelligent Italians, as they are notably embarrassed by and quick to brush aside their more extreme acts of clumsiness with phrases such as "Lo so!" (I know!)

"OH, Figlio di una mignotta!" Someone robbed my home!

Municipal police: "I suggest you count your bees, you may find that one of them is missing."