"Mah", it feels funny and weird to be back writing for our readers after a long hiatus. We have to admit, hot summer days spent meditating in caves with sheep milk, salami and fresh bread is soothing. We recommend it.

Enjoy the issue, keep writing and Grazie!

L'Aquila - October 2, 2013 - Italian police inspected a piece of farmland where a flock of sheep grazed on more than just the usual grass. The land was also used to cultivate marijuana plants.

The landowner had admitted to being the owner of the marijuana plants that were immediately eradicated and seized. The sheep lived and grazed where the marijuana plants were grown, and became accustomed to grazing on them.

When a drug police squad moved in on the sheep owner's land in Coppito, L'Aquila and started to remove the marijuana plants, the sheep suddenly became nervous and jittery. They followed the police officers carrying the 2-foot plants away and attempted to eat whatever they could.

Poor "coglione". Doesn't he remind you of the scene in Peter Pan where Tinkerbell's little light began dimming and going out? That's his brain. Battery going...down.

You know, when you think about how huge the planet is and how it's just a fraction of the size of the sun, which is just a speck of dust in the entire universe...you begin to realize why it became easy for this Italian to rationalize making cash from growing illegal plants around free roaming sheep.

Obviously, something went wrong in the sheep owner's super plan and he could have used good business advice from one of our subscribers:

1) Raise and groom sheep on farm all day (no longer profitable, need cash fast).
2) Buy shrimp boat.
3) Eat chocolate at bus stop (while figuring out where to get money for boat).
4) Grow and sell pot (sun, soil, water, seeds, southern exposure).
5) Use sheep as cover.
6) Fence in sheep to keep away from crops (OPTIONAL).

And how well could have the sales gone?

Dealer: "I need enough 'spinelli' for the 6-day weekend."
Sheep owner: "'Tranquillo'...I can get it to you in two shakes of a lamb's tail."
Dealer: "Aren't you always blabbering that lambs have no tails?
Sheep owner: ...
Dealer: "'Figlio di puttana', where are you going with this?"

Rome - October 2, 2013 - A gallery in Rome has removed photos of same-sex couples kissing in churches after the Vatican threatened legal action.

The photos were covered after Orquin received a letter from the Vatican threatening legal action over the series.

Vicariate spokesman Claudio Tanturri told a local paper the photos infringed upon "the advancement of man in the particular place for the expression of faith."

"Italian constitutional law safeguards an individual's religious feeling and the function of places of worship. Therefore photos that are not suitable and do not conform to the spirituality of the place offend and infringe upon the advancement of man in the particular place for the expression of faith."

"I didn't do it to provoke the Church, I did it to demonstrate a union between God and two people," Orquin said in defense of his work.

After receiving the letter and speaking with lawyers, Orquin covered the photos for "security reasons." Orquin, who is openly gay himself and has lived in Rome for nearly eight years, said he finds Italy to be "a very homophobic country".

Until the gallery's lawyers and the Vatican come to an agreement over the series, they will remain covered. Orquin has heard from many organizations around the world saying they would gladly show his art and take on the Church's threats.

Oh, they're going to drag this out until someone passes out from heat frustration.

"Scassapalle", it's just an art show in Rome. In this day and age, why does the Church still react to events like this like a deer caught in headlights?

Quite frankly, linguine overcooked by just 1 minute should be considered more scandalous and upsetting. It brings down the sauce, grated cheese, wine, lunch, company, mood, life, etc. See what we mean? Priorities, folks. Notice we just made you forget about some art show somewhere.

Regardless, we're here to help the Vatican again. Really.... Therefore, we suggest it should also look into shutting down "Free Sundays" at the Vatican Museums.

On the last Sunday of every month Vatican entrance is free.
Ah, we know. What incredible kindness!
Which cardinal should we thank for this? "Grazie!"

Normally, there are 2-3 hour waits on Sundays. But there are horror stories of tourists waiting up to 4 hours and never getting in on Free Sundays. Aside from the waiting, if you do get in, you have to make a mad dash through the maze of rooms in order to get to the overcrowded, hot and sweaty Sistine Chapel...because the museums close at 2 PM on Sundays! "Che palle!"

"Orquin, who is openly gay himself and has lived in Rome for nearly eight years, said he finds Italy to be a very homophobic country." Unfortunately, he is right. Most of us in Southern Italy have no patience for gay men...for the simple fact that they're all damn good looking and can basically have any woman they desire.