"Buona sera!" Welcome to the only newsletter that would outlaw Italian soccer and 'bocce', "Only In Italy!"

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Rome - March 3, 2010 - Defense Minister Ignazio La Russa whipped up a storm Wednesday by warning that the center right was "ready to do anything" if electoral appeals courts bar its candidates from running in regional elections this month because of bureaucratic blunders.

La Russa was quoted by two left-leaning dailies as saying that Premier Silvio Berlusconi's People of Freedom (PdL) party was optimistic of a positive ruling from the courts overturning a decision on Saturday barring its candidates from running in the Rome province.

"We will never accept a ruling which would prevent hundreds of thousands of our supporters from voting for us at the regional elections. If they bar us from running we are ready to do anything".

La Russa's statements are "serious and unsettling", accused the House Whip for the opposition Italy of Values (IdV) Party Massimo Donadi.

"A defense minister should not use such threatening and subversive language," added Donadi, stressing that the PdL should "blame itself for its woes".

Veteran Radical party leader Marco Pannella branded La Russa, who traces his political roots to a neo-fascist party, a "paleo-fascist". Former trade union leader Savino Pezzotta, who is running for president of the Lombardy region for the centrist opposition UDC Party, urged La Russa to "calm down" and keep his "subversive outlook" in check.

Nicola Zingaretti, the president of the Rome Province for the opposition Democratic Party, expressed concern over La Russa's "sinister remarks".

After the PdL was excluded from the ballot in Rome province for missing Saturday's noon cutoff to register candidates, a Rome court on Tuesday also barred a personal list headed by the party's candidate for the Lazio region presidency, Renata Polverini.

We ask all our readers to take a moment and get a good look at his photo..."Madonna, what an ugly cornuto!"

"If they bar us from running we are ready to do anything". It appears the incredibly handsome Defense Minister and Berlusconi's party do not want to accept the fact that they are barred because their representative missed the registration deadline...over a sandwich.

So, there's no excuse for this outburst of anger. There's no need to call up the military.
Do you want to go to war? IGNAZIO, YOU WANT TO GO TO WAR?
Is anybody reading this stupid newsletter? We're going to go yell out the window.

The beautiful life of an ugly man:

- Held his first political rally at the age of 10 (most likely to convince his peers to stop using his hideous face as a soccer goal).

- Showed a considerable interest in politics since his student years, and was involved in far-right activism in Milan (a far-right problem child in the making).

- In 1985, was elected Regional Counselor for the neo-fascist Italian party "Movimento Sociale Italiano" (what better face to promote anti-immigration policies and opposition to Italy's parliamentary system and liberal democracy.

- Regarding Europe's human rights court rules against the hanging of crucifixes in Italy's classrooms: "By the way, we won't remove them. The crucifix will remain in every school classroom. They can die! They can die along with their fake international organizations that count for nothing." (Wow, we've seen more compassion coming from a chunk of Gorgonzola cheese.)

- During a 2009 visit to New York, he lashed back at a protester by calling him a "pedophile" numerous times. (Is he trying to say that pedophiles and anti-fascists have something in common?)

Rome - March 4, 2010 - The former head of the Italian public works panel, who was jailed in a high-profile corruption probe last month, has been relieved of his honorary role as an usher to the pope, sources close to the Vatican said Thursday.

Angelo Balducci has allegedly been dismissed because he is in jail and thus unable to participate in any of the ceremonial functions Papal Gentleman are called upon to perform. On Wednesday, a member of the Vatican's elite choir was also sacked following after he was named on suspicion of procuring gay sex for him, which he allegedly repaid with favors. His lawyer said he would sue over the sex-for-favors allegation which has nothing to do with the probe.

Balducci is among three officials and one businessman arrested in a probe centering around suspected graft in public tenders arranged through the Civil Protection Department. Like the others, the ex-public works chief has denied wrongdoing but has seen his request to be released from jail turned down.

Church sources, however, said that the accusations facing him were unrelated to his dismissal.

Balducci has been a Papal Gentleman since 1995, a prestigious title conferred to laymen who make an outstanding contribution to the Catholic Church or its activities. He is also a member of the Congregation for the Evangelization of Peoples, an arm of the Roman Curia responsible for missionary work.

Sources indicate that he is likely to be dismissed from that post as well, also due to his inability to participate in ceremonies and meetings while in jail.

"Porca di quella vacca", are we the only ones that think there are questionable recruiting problems at the Vatican HR department? The people working there need re-evaluations and to be beaten silly in one of the dungeons below St. Peter's.

For those of you who are curious, "Papal gentlemen", who resemble sophisticated movie theater ushers, are men who welcome honored guests, keep a very close eye on crowds and generally gossip about the Pope like a watchful court. They are also responsible for ejecting false nuns, priests and even bishops from the front rows of audience halls.

Example: Raisa Gorbachev was once invited to visit the Pope. She had worn red instead of the traditional black, and no veil. Her attire provoked an uproar among the ushers. Hmmm...there's a hint of hypocrisy. We can't understand why the color red would cause controversy while Angelo's high heels and his "swishing" around the Vatican didn't.

"Angelo Balducci has allegedly been dismissed because he is in jail and thus unable to participate in any of the ceremonial functions Papal Gentleman are called upon to perform." AH! That's why. You have to admit that's an incredibly casual and mellow explanation. It should have been more eloquent as the following:

"With much sorrow and regret, we must announce Gentleman Balducci will no longer be available for further ceremonial functions as Gentleman to His Holiness for he will be making contributions of disclosures to the legal order of Rome and fulfilling a long-overdue prior engagement with an institution that will be inhibiting his freedoms."

Carried out by Renato Mannheimer's ISPO group on a cross section of 800 Italians, the poll found that 69% were proud to be Italian, 33% felt the state was something distant from them and 25% said they were ashamed to be Italian.

Topping the list of reasons why one out of two Italians said there was cause to be embarrassed were the country's politicians and mentality.

The ISPO poll also found that 46% of Italians identified themselves with the state, 26% with their municipality and 13% with Europe.

"Mamma mia", it has become so depressing. For instance, they're no longer friendly in Naples and Palermo. They used to smile when they picked your pockets.

Italian laws? There are over 340,000. What do they exist for? To be broken, of course. That's the Italian way!
Public transportation? Only penniless common folk take the bus; everyone else drives to work.
Public appearance? People note what you wear, what you buy and how much money you spend or don't spend at the local stores.

"33% felt the state was something distant from them..." True. It's like the Italian Matrix, Take the red or blue Italian candy, it doesn't make a difference. You wake up with a chuckle-faced prime minister with "Made in China" hair claiming that you HAVE to give him your vote for he has seen communists, judges and the Center-Left punch through a concrete wall; men have emptied entire clips at them and hit nothing but air; yet, their strength, and their speed, are still based in a world that is built on rules. Because of that, they will never be as strong, or as fast, as "he" can be.

What is the Italian Matrix? Control, understanding and pasta:

- Understand that familiar behaviors have different meanings.
- Understand that what you perceive to be normal behavior may only be cultural.
- Recognizing a behavior is not the same as understanding it.
- Don't believe that what you meant is what was understood.
- Don't accept that what you understood is what was meant.
- Realize that most Italians do behave rationally; you just have to figure out their rationale.

And put handles on your walls so that they'll be easier to climb.