Buon Giorno! Si si, siamo noi! Welcome to the newsletter that believes Berlusconi has more lives than a corrupt Roman cat. "Only In Italy!"
And we're back again after our 232nd hiatus! ("Porca puttana", it has to be a new record.) Hope everyone enjoyed the summer holidays as we did and is getting ready for the upcoming Holiday Season.
By the way, yes, we are well aware of what our Prime Minister of Peperoni, Berlusconi, has been up to these past months so, no need to send us further comments and feedback about him. Just sit back, relax and enjoy the fun of watching the psychodwarf crack under the immense pressure he's been receiving from the worldwide media.
Regardless of the fact we get a newsletter out once every 2-3 months, our subscriber base keeps growing and growing. We really don't know why. It's a stupid newsletter. We're just a bunch of jackasses expressing our anger, stupor, humor (and sometimes bitter love) for our beloved and disgraced country. Even though we have made ourselves barely heard via our site, OnlyInItaly.com, and newsletters, we actually keep a very active profile on Twitter.
But we're excited to be back again and we'll (probably) make it up to our readers with a more frequent and timely newsletter distribution. However; we'll be keeping up with the social media times of today by dividing our news casting time in a proportionate manner. We'll be spending most of our daily time on Twitter and Facebook while our newsletter will be written and distributed every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday (hopefully).
Don't worry, we'll also be sending out a brief newsletter on Saturdays that will give a recap of that week's newsletters along with links to back issues we will eventually be putting up.
Enjoy the issue, keep writing and Grazie!
Rome - November 13, 2009 - A Latin teacher in southern Italy who had students translate phrases about Premier Silvio Berlusconi caused a furor on Friday when the story received front-page coverage in a right-wing newspaper.
Reported in a daily owned by Berlusconi's brother, Angela Di Nanni's exercises referred to trials facing the premier after an constitutional court ruling last month quashing a law granting the premier immunity from persecution.
"Silvio Berlusconi will be called before judges," read one of the passages.
"Berlusconi is accused of corruption and fraud, but says he will not resign," read another.
The news article described Di Nanni as "a political militant" and accused her of "using a dead language to insult the premier".
The article concluded with a plea for teachers "not to contaminate the classics with their political anger".
But the principal of the school where Di Nanni teaches, Luciano Gigante, said she had no such intention.
"Di Nanni was just trying to get some of her more difficult students interested in the lesson," he said
The principal explained that the exercise came from a website popular among teachers that offers Latin versions of top news items.
"The students also translated a piece about the death of Michael Jackson," Gigante said.
"This is as all just a tempest in a teapot".
Local education officials called an emergency meeting after the article came out to decide whether the translations called for disciplinary action.
You see, sometimes, you have to motivate these Italian kids to strive for academic success (If they're not motivated, they simply vote with their smelly feet). And what better way to motivate the little nincompoops than with Latin and Italian politics?
"(Porca vacca!) Hey Mamma! I'm having a hard time translating this crap!"
Latin Homework Assignment: Translate the ramblings of a chuckle-faced Prime Minister:
1. "There are only about 100,000 people in law enforcement, while there are millions of beautiful women... Women have to be defended." (When asked by reporters about a proposal to deploy 300,000 troops to fight crime following a series of sexual assaults in Rome and other cities.)
2. "Italy is now a great country to invest in...Today we have fewer communists and those who are still there deny having been one. Another reason to invest in Italy is that we have beautiful secretaries." (During a visit to the New York Stock Exchange in 2003, he touted the benefits of doing business in Italy.)
3. "I trust the intelligence of the Italian people too much to think that there are so many 'coglioni' around who would vote against their own best interests." (He decided to insult his own fellow citizens by making this statement less than a week before parliamentary elections in Italy.
Rome - November 13, 2009 - A few hundred fans have marched through central Rome to protest government plans to require police-approved identity cards for fans to enter reserved sections of stadiums.
The Interior Ministry has said the cards offer benefits, such as priority in ticket purchases and a faster entrance to stadiums. But the cards are primarily a security measure since fans who have been convicted of violence in the past five years or been barred from matches won't receive the police clearance necessary to get them.
On Saturday, a few hundred fans from all over the country converged on Rome to denounce the cards. Many sported "No to the fan card" T-shirts and locked arms.
The protest was clouded by smoke from flares, but was largely peaceful.
"Andate tutti a 'fanculo!" The fans are right! They shouldn't have to carry ID cards!
If the Italian government wants to outlaw something it should outlaw soccer. Ever watch a typical Italian soccer game? You'd swear you think you were looking at National Geographic with a soccer ball!
If organized Italian soccer had to depend on this news staff for money, "cacchio," they would be in sad shape. Those soccer games are so stupid! We'll admit, we sometimes get caught up in the hysteria during the World Cup but to actually go to the stadium is out of the question.
Going to the stadium is the same as going to a hostile country. The fans act like wild animals. Itís not civilized. Itís frightening!
On any given seat, there's action. Then, at the end of the game, the stadium is handed over to the Italian cannibals and tribes who begin their war games. They should fill it with quick sand and vines so that they'll feel more at home. "Cavolo", and don't forget the snakes in the locker rooms.
So, if the government has to go forward with the ID card program, at least tattoo the ID card info on the fans' foreheads.
Milan - November 13, 2009 - Italy's "Brother Metal," a 63-year-old monk who became famous for singing in a heavy metal band (habit and all) is hanging up his microphone, saying the devil made him too much of a celebrity for his own good.
The white-bearded Cesare Bonizzi, a Capuchin who recorded CDs for a punk label and was the lead singer for the band Fratello Metallo (Metal Brother), said the devil was up to his usual mischief.
"The devil has separated me from my managers, risked making me break up with my band colleagues and also risked making me break up with my fellow monks. He lifted me up to the point where I became a celebrity and now I want to kill him," the monk said in his farewell video.
The video shows one of the monk's band members shaving off Bonizzi's long mane of white hair as a sign of his turning a new leaf on life.
For years Bonizzi performed at concerts wearing his traditional Franciscan brown robe, sandals and white rope around his waist.
His second heavy metal CD was called "Mysteries," and was inspired by a group of southern Italian women who sang about the Virgin Mary.
Bonizzi, who fell in love with heavy metal when he attended a Metallica concert some 15 years ago, says fame had put him on the wrong path. But he still thinks heavy metal can be a means to spread the gospel message of pace and love.
"I think that metal is the strength of music itself. Metal is a brother," he said in the video.
"Dio mio", if only the vast majority of remarkably untalented celebrities followed his logic.
We can't believe he has a fan club. If he does they probably meet in a confessional.
"The devil has separated me from my managers, risked making me break up with my band colleagues..." Hmmm... It appears the good monk was being led astray by the "Devil of Solo Careers".
Devil: "Come on, let yourself go. Did Springsteen need the E Street Band?"
And we would love to meet the possessed record producers who thought a heavy metal CD, inspired by southern Italian religious women, would be a chart busting smash. "Minchia, I think we have a hit on our hands."
Too bad the good "Angel of Record Sales" didn't think so.