Buon Giorno! Yes, it's us. Welcome to the only newsletter that believes who is born a donkey can actually die a horse. "Only In Italy!"
Let's give it another try!
Enjoy the issue, keep writing and Grazie!
Palermo - February 12, 2010 - For centuries it had been thought that Baroness Laura Lanza was murdered by her father, Cesare, in an "honor killing" for which he was later pardoned. But the hilltop town of Carini in Sicily believes that Cesare Lanza may have acted in league with the baroness's husband, Don Vincenzo La Grua, who wanted to remarry. Her husband also feared that her lover might have tried to claim a part of his estate had she had children from her illicit affair.
The baroness was killed in 1563 in Carini's 11th century castle when she and her lover, Ludovico Vernagallo, were caught in bed together.
"Justice wasn't done back then," said Gaetano La Fata, the mayor of the town 20 miles from Palermo, who has decided to reopen the case and exhume the remains of the lovers.
They are believed to have been buried in a common grave under the crypt of the town's church, the Chiesa Madre.
"We hope that DNA tests and criminal profiling will help us discover the motive behind the crime and establish whether there was more than one assassin."
Sicilian police have called in an international team of forensic scientists and criminologists to help solve the case, 447 years after it shocked the island's inhabitants. Local police will work together with American experts and Marco Strano, a psychologist and criminologist, in a collaboration which is due to start next month.
"The idea for the investigation began as a joke," said Mr Strano. "I visited Carini in June and when I met the mayor I teased him for not having resolved the murder yet, so he challenged me to solve it.
"There was a trial held at the time, but though both father and son-in-law had their properties temporarily confiscated, they were soon declared innocent, probably thanks to their noble status and the legal right for fathers and husbands of adulterous women to commit honor killings," said Mr Strano.
"If we are lucky enough to find and identify their bones, it might be possible to verify the cause of death, whether they were run through with a sword or stabbed with a dagger. If there was more than one weapon used, it's likely there was more than one murderer."
The bedroom where the couple was murdered has recently been restored. A red handprint has been painted on the wall to mark the spot where, according to local legend, the struggling baroness left a bloody imprint.
"Porca Vacca!" The cheeks of my ass are quivering with anticipation!
Has sanity left us? Is anybody reading this stupid newsletter?
Could the ending of this Sicilian soap opera be of any interest today? How silly. How stupid.
"Sicilian police have called in an international team of forensic scientists and criminologists to help solve the case..." Hmmm...there's an entire island infested with organized crime families infiltrating every aspect of Sicilian society (including when the sun should shine or not) and our main concern is to find out if a baroness whore was run through with a sword or dagger.
Look, at any given point of the day there's Mafia action...and plenty of it. Even chickens can't lay their eggs in peace without being shaken down for a percentage."Cacchio", there's lots of Mafia in Italy. You know how Vermont has maple syrup? We have Mafia.
We sincerely hope the crime is solved as soon as possible so that Sicilians can move on to the next mystery which is, why is it difficult to keep a pair of socks together?
Why do we always lose one?
The policy is intended to render public employees accountable for their behavior on the job by making them more easy to report when they're rude or unhelpful.
The supervisors of employees who fail to wear their name tags will risk a fine, government sources said.
The anti-slacking campaign comes courtesy of Civil Service Minister Renato Brunetta, who says the crackdown has reduced public sector absenteeism by 40%.
However, the policy is widely unpopular with public employees themselves, who launched a major strike in December to protest against it.
Excuse me, Fabrizio, Fellini, "figlio di una mignotta", whatever your name tag says there...I just want your incoherent chicken scratch on this document explained more clearly.
Italy! The only country where 3 employees are hired for each public service job; one to do half the job and the other two on standby in case of death or disease.
And there is no other country that has more celebrated national holidays. "Minchia", any excuse to take the day off from work:
How is this name tag policy supposed to help their behavior on the job?
Italy's public employees are like the lines on a soccer field. They're there but they don't affect the game. They serve some kind of purpose but nobody knows what it is. And when they do affect the game, then your public office visit has changed. Then you might as well leave and go walk out into traffic.
Ever be forced to call our toll-free numbers for assistance or guidance? If they're not ignoring your constant ringing in their heads, they're speaking while chomping on food. In fact, you can actually hear little chunks of food flying out of their mouths and into the little holes of the receiver.
And it's not like one needs an incredible educational competence to work in these offices. An eggplant can do a more efficient job and it doesn't even have to be "parmigiana".
The gaffe-prone politician, 73, held immigration talks Friday with Albanian Prime Minister Sali Berisha.
Berisha looked uncomfortable as Berlusconi joked at a press conference, "We will only accept pretty girls from Albania."
Opposition lawmaker Paola Pellegrini slammed the quip, calling Berlusconi "an indecorous old man." Berlusconi was also facing a fresh sex scandal in his government Saturday as accusations that one of his right-hand men was offered "megagalactic" sex parties in return for illegally awarding public contracts, The Times of London reported.
Guido Bertolaso, 59, the head of the Civil Protection Agency, who became a national hero for overseeing the rescue efforts after the earthquake in Abruzzo last year, offered to resign twice this week after prosecutors said that he was under investigation over alleged sex parties and bribes for public contracts.
"Porca l'oca!" Yes, here we go again.
It's true that prohibiting Berlusconi from running off at the mouth can be compared to wrestling with a wild boar to save a vegetable crop but it should seem irrelevant when Silvio's hair is what preoccupies much of Italy's time these days. In particular, our news staff.
We're mesmerized by it...
We quite don't understand the off-broadway show taking place on his head. If you take a good look, there are signs of follicle damage to the unusually thick cranium very evident in this latest photo. Notice that the hairline is suspiciously straight, suggesting a touch of brown shoe polish here and there to lend a more ordered appearance.
But there seems so much body to the hair as there was before a Milan Duomo souvenir crash landed into his face...as though it was giving up the fight. It seems more lifeless, and there is a growing tendency towards fluffiness indicating glue and dyed cotton wool, teased out, may have been utilized to fill out the thinning patches.
We would certainly like to speak to his barber (if the barber hasn't been coerced to run for public office somewhere in Italy) before resorting to a toupee to solve the follicle deficiencies of his fellow citizens.