Only in Italy is a daily news column that reports funny and weird news on Italy, the mafia, Italian culture and Italian travel.

Only in Italy is a daily news column that reports funny and weird news on Italy, the mafia, Italian culture and Italian travel.

Only In Italy is a daily news column that translates & reports on funny but true news items from legitimate Italian news sources in Italy.
Only in Italy is a daily news column that reports funny and weird news on Italy, the mafia, Italian culture and Italian travel.Only in Italy is a daily news column that reports funny and weird news on Italy, the mafia, Italian culture and Italian travel.
 
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April 2008
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"Bored Italian Couples Who Are Probably Retards"

(04/14/08)

 

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"Ciao a tutti" Welcome to the only newsletter that doesn't believe the Italian proverb, "a friend who won't give and relatives who won't lend you a hand should be avoided like the plague". Try a nice cold spicy dish of revenge. "Only In Italy!"

Dear sir/madam,

3 months ago, an Italian psychiatrist from Sapienza University, "II Facolta Di Medicine E Chirurgia", ordered 4 medical journals from Greece.

He received the parcel but never payed the journals, although I have informed about 10 persons who know him in order to tell him pay (colleagues of him in Sant Andrea Hospital, Psychiatric Department).

He says I will pay, but never pays.

Do you think that 100 Euros is too much for a psychiatrist who lives in ROME?
Do you think that ROME has become a little Africa or something?
Should I send some rice and milk to Rome?

I am expecting for your answer. Irene C.

Thank you, Irene. We were not expecting for your letter.

However; we understand how you feel. Although, we're not a collection agency we can't see why you cannot have some fun while trying to receive payment from Doctor Frank N. Beans.

There is no need to send rice and milk for we think 100 Euros is certainly an amount Dr. Beans can afford (among many other things). However, we cannot be sure unless we had his income tax statements. Of course, in a sane country, being in possession of such documents is considered a violation of person's privacy and is prosecutable by law. Not in Italy...

Irene, the Italian tax office has granted public access to the tax statements of private citizens for the fiscal year 2005. The access is currently available through the tax office's website and includes taxpayers' names, birth dates, addresses, declared income and tax paid, arranged alphabetically and according to the municipality where tax declarations were filed.

Tax office director and nincompoop Massimo Romano said the publication of the information was authorized "in the public interest in order to allow the free circulation of information in a framework of transparency".

Irene, if you listen closely outside your window, you will hear the sound of hundreds and thousands of Italians packing their suitcases to escape this little Africa. We strongly advise you recover quickly from the shock and look up Dr. Bean's records before the income tax office finally understands they have trouble understanding and closes down the site.

Enjoy the issue, keep writing and Grazie!

Tanti Saluti,             
"Only In Italy" Staff      


Meet A Real Fat Bastard Cat

GarfieldRome - April 11, 2008 - A 16 kg (35 lbs) cat has been hailed a real life Garfield in Italy.

Orazio looks like not only the cat that got the cream but who ate the whole cow too.

Just like lasagne loving Garfield, this fat cat grew to such a gargantuan size by guzzling all the food treats that his native Italy can provide.

The three-year-old tabby is such a food fanatic that owner Laura Santarelli finds it impossible to get him to slim down.

The flabby feline is now so large that it's a struggle for Laura just to pick him up.

And, should any of Laura's other five cats get in his way at dinner time at his home in Eupilio, the results can be catastrophic.

"Sta pippa, che bestia!"

I'm telling you the comedy doesn't stop coming from this woman. We're sure Laura, the carnival barker, has a good heart in that feeble head. She should make her show complete by calling in clowns, selling cotton candy and popcorn.

Such audacity from people who try to claim fame by exploiting their ignorant pet habits.

How would she like it if her face was stuffed with a few rolls of "braciole" and polenta with ten cheeses on a daily basis?

Then we can lay her out on the front lawn with the caption, "A Mediterranean diet would have kept you slim and healthy."

 

Berlusconi: Only 'Retards' Would Vote For Italy's Left

SilvioMilan - April 4, 2008 - Silvio Berlusconi has said only "retards" will vote for his rivals in Italy’s general election.

"I do not believe that Italians could be retarded enough to fall into a trap like this," said the media magnate in his final rally in front of the Colosseum.

Silvio Berlusconi claimed footballer Francesco Totti 'had nothing between the ears'. Mr Berlusconi used the word "grullo", a grave insult in Florentine dialect.

The phrase recalled his use of the word "coglione", or testicle, to describe opposition supporters at the last election in 2006. However, the perma-tanned billionaire committed one gaffe too many when he went on to insult Italy's iconic football player, Francesco Totti. Upon hearing that Mr. Totti was supporting his rivals, he shrugged: "Those with nothing between their ears have nothing between their ears."

Mr. Totti has repeatedly been lampooned in Italy for being ignorant. The footballer's legions of fans rapidly forced Mr Berlusconi into an apology. Even Giulio Andreotti, Italy’s former prime minister, joined the fray, accusing Mr Berlusconi of being "offside". Mr. Berlusconi grovelled: "I am sorry. I love Totti. He’s a good boy. He's obviously been manipulated by the Left-wing. His wife works as a television presenter for me."

In the 2001 elections, Mr. Berlusconi won support when he promised that there would be "meno tasse per tutti (less tax for all)" and particularly "meno tasse per Totti". Meanwhile, his main rival, Walter Veltroni, blasted Mr. Berlusconi as a man from a different era.

"I hear this talk about Stalinism, about taking up arms or revolution and I think: What planet are we on? What year are we in?" he said, to 100,000 cheering supporters in Milan.

Mr Veltroni promised that he would sweep through Italy’s outdated and "encrusted" political and business worlds and be a "force for change" similar to Tony Blair. While Mr Berlusconi has relaxed in anticipation of an easy victory, Mr Veltroni closed his campaign with speeches in each of Italy’s four major cities: Naples, Bologna, Milan and Rome. Speaking for over an hour without notes, Mr Veltroni energized the crowd in Milan by comparing Italian life to a dream in which one cannot race ahead because one's legs are heavy. He has vowed to remove 500 "pointless" laws in order to ease the bureaucratic burden.

Mr Berlusconi has suggested Mr Veltroni will try to rig the election, and as the first votes arrived today, from Italians living abroad, the home ministry insisted it would be "as transparent as a glass house".

However, there were indications that 50,000 votes from Latin America had been tampered with, allegedly in collusion with the Piromalli clan, part of the Calabrian ’Ndrangheta mafia.

The home ministry said that Italian councils in Latin America had already been alerted and were watchful for any suspicious ballot papers.

There were allegations of vote-rigging at the last election, in 2006, which Romano Prodi won by just 24,000 votes.

"The best political leader in Europe and the world." Silvio Berlusconi, on himself.

The fog in Milan must be causing an allergic reaction with the glue from his hair plugs making his asphalt skull thicker and forcing him to say more & more stupid things.

Berlusconi is notorious for his questionable and retarded sense of humor:

In February of 2002, at a European Union summit of foreign ministers, Berlusconi made a vulgar gesture (the "corna") behind the head of the Spanish foreign minister, Josep Piqué, intimating he was a "cuckold" (the husband of an unfaithful wife) during an official photo shoot. This is a common joke among Italian children, but many felt it was utterly out of place in an international meeting. He explained to the participants who were acting like retards that he "was just kidding", and was trying to create a relaxed atmosphere, that this sort of meeting was meant to "create friendship, cordiality, fondness and kind relationships", and that he wanted to amuse a small group of Boy Scout bystanders.

On 2 July 2003, one day after taking over the rotating presidency of the EU Council of Ministers, he was heavily criticized by the German SPD Member of the European Parliament Martin Schulz because of his retarded domestic policy. Berlusconi responded to the apparent retard: "Mr Schulz, I know a movie producer in Italy who is making a movie about Nazi concentration camps. I suggest you play the role of a Kapo. You are perfect for the part!". Even though Berlusconi insisted that he was only joking, his retarded comparisons with the Nazis caused a brief cooling of Italy's relationship with Germany.

In 2003, during an interview with magazine editors, Berlusconi claimed that Mussolini was not a retard and had been a benign dictator who did not murder opponents but sent them "on holiday".

On 4 April 2006, less than a week before the upcoming retarded political elections in Italy, during a speech, Berlusconi stated that he holds "too high esteem of the Italians' intelligence to think that there are so many "coglioni" (a vulgar reference to a man's anatomy often used about people considered stupid) around voting against their interest".

In the run up to the 2008 Italian general election, Berlusconi claimed that right-wing female politicians were better looking than their retarded left-wing counterparts. Berlusconi was quoted as telling local media that the left had "no taste" in women. His retarded remarks provoked an angry reaction from retarded Italian center-left parties, which accused him of being a retarded sexist. Berlusconi was quoted as saying that when he looked around parliament, he found that female politicians from the right were "more beautiful" and that "The left has no taste, even when it comes to women."

 

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Less Love and Sex For Bored Italian Couples

Rome - April 11, 2008 - Four out of ten Italian couples no longer have sex and a decline in the male sex drive is seen as the principle cause, according to a new study.

"Comparing sex to eating habits, one could say that Italian couples fall into four basic categories: the anorexic, the bulimic, the satiated and those who are not hungry," observed Chiara Simonelli, a sexologist at the University of Rome and Deputy Chairman of the European Federation of Sexology.

According to the report, 40% of 'anorexic' Italian couples are around 40 years of age, are in a solid or long-term relationship and often have children.

There is a growing trend, the report said, "of men avoiding sex with their partners and preferring to go to a prostitute or, a sign of the times, engaging in virtual encounters on the Internet".

The decline in the male sex drive, the study said, has tripled in the past ten years.

Only 30% of the Italian couples interviewed for the report said they were 'satiated' and had sex with a frequency considered satisfactory to both partners.

The report was drawn up by a group of sexologists, gynecologists and andrologists and will be presented at the IX congress of the European Federation of Sexology, which opens in Rome on Sunday.

"Pasquale, voglio fare l'amore."
"Sophia, non ho fame.."

Comparing sex to eating habits, Italian couples do fall into four categories:

The anorexic: There's little or no appetite for sex when you have to stare at someone who has more food caught in their teeth than you eat the whole day.
The bulimic: After sex one has to go and throw up because they can't believe they're still making love to that person whose ass hangs like Tiramisu.
The satiated: Having constant sex is all one can do since there's no work in Italy.
The not hungry: Usually caused by ugly Italian women and cold water.

There is a growing trend, the report said, "of men avoiding sex with their partners and preferring to go to a prostitute..." That's because, sometimes, you just don't want to hear the chatter.

However; no fear! One can rekindle the flames in their anorexic marriage.

Here are the rules for a happy Italian marriage:

- Argue about money,
- Criticize each other's weight,
- Never go to bed happy,
- And leave the door open when you go to the bathroom (especially if it's number two).

There's your marriage!
These rules will work for you.

You'll be married for at least 20 long years but it will seem like 38.

 

Julian - Julius Caesar's cousin
 
 
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