"Nel nome del Padre, Figlio e Spirito Santo!" Welcome to another religious issue of "Only In Italy!"

We were quite surprised to receive all the feedback regarding yesterday's article on Minister Bossi's attacks on the Catholic Church and the massive heart attack he suffered shortly after. Are our readers becoming a bit too superstitious? Would it comfort our readers if we did further research on the Vatican?

Too late, we already did.

All I can say is I'm thankful I wasn't standing next to him when he made this comment about the cardinals. Like they say lightening can strike anywhere. Amen. Jerry

Jerry, we had written yesterday that Minister Bossi had suffered his massive heart attack approximately one week after he publicized his comments. Well, we found out today he was stricken ill 36-48 hours afterwards and not one Italian newspaper nor TV news program wanted to announce this correlation. But we have today.

It's true that lightening can strike anywhere, Jerry, but after you read today's articles, maybe you won't want to stand too close to cardinals.

Enjoy the issue, keep writing and Grazie!

Tanti Saluti,              
"Only In Italy" Staff       

Ragusa - March 24, 2004 - Signore Rossi could find a commercial ad for baby soap on his birth certificate.

A new remedy discovered by the town hall of Ispica in the province of Ragusa, Sicily, to resolve its budget problems is to find sponsors that will supply the town hall offices with necessary paper supplies.

A public auction will be held on April 15 for the supply of 15,000 sheets of paper for the demographics office in which each sheet will contain a sponsored commercial ad.

"Sta minchia!" Look, we were just as shocked as you are now when we read this but if you carefully read between the lunacy, this could work:

Birth certificate ads:
"Versace Baby Clothes"
Confused? Not positively sure? 24 hour blood tests, max privacy!

Marriage certificate ads:
"Giuseppe, Toto & Angela Divorce Law Firm"
Because it is his fault.

Hmmm...How does one sponsor toilet paper?

Rome - March 17, 2004 - More than 20 years after the death of the banker Roberto Calvi was dismissed as suicide, four people, including a jailed Mafia boss, went on trial yesterday in Rome, charged with his murder.

The case of the man known as "God's banker" remains one the most extraordinary of recent decades - a whodunit involving the Vatican, Cosa Nostra, rogue freemasons, financiers and politicians.

Only one of the four defendants, Flavio Carboni, was in court to hear the charges. The Sardinian businessman told reporters: "I know as much about Calvi's murder as I do about the killing of Jesus Christ."

Two other people who were with the doomed banker on his final journey, Mr. Carboni's then girlfriend, Manuela Kleinszig, and a Rome underworld boss, Ernesto Diotallevi, are also charged with murder.

The convicted Mafia boss, Pippo Calo, followed proceedings over a video link to his prison. According to documents leaked last year, the prosecution will seek to prove that he ordered Calvi murdered, for bungling the laundering of Cosa Nostra's funds and to stop him blackmailing powerful former associates in the Vatican and Italian society.

Mr. Calvi was chairman of Banco Ambrosia no, which was about to collapse with debts of £800m when he died. Some of the losses were the result of reckless offshore investments in association with the Vatican's bank, the Institute for the Works of Religion.

At the same time, Mr. Calvi drew assistance from the maverick P2 masonic lodge. He was found hanging under Blackfriars bridge in London in June 1982. Bricks were found stuffed into his pockets and down the front of his trousers - an apparently symbolic detail that prompted speculation of a masonic link.

This story is dedicated to all our readers who should know more of what goes on in that pearly-white Vatican.)

We have a few questions for the Italian prosecutors in reference to the death of God's banker:

1.) When did God become involved in offshore investments?
2.) What in God's name (literally meant) did the Vatican recklessly invest in?
3.) Does the name "Blackfriar" have anything do with the bridge chosen to hang God's banker?
4.) Where were God's financial analysts while this went on?
5.) Which sounds shadier, "offshore investments" or the Vatican's "Institute for the Works of Religion"?

Vatican - March 29, 2004 - John Kerry says he's not worried over rumbling in the Catholic Church that his political positions are out of step with its teachings.

Despite positions on abortion and fetus-protection laws that oppose the church's, Kerry insists his faith will not be a campaign issue.

"I don't tell church officials what to do and church officials shouldn't tell American politicians what to do in the context of our public life," Kerry tells reporters.

"As John Kennedy said very clearly, I will be a president who happens to be a Catholic, not a Catholic president."

Meanwhile, Kerry came under fire from President Bush for using a Bible verse to criticize leaders. Kerry did not mention Bush by name when he asked, "What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds?" A Bush spokesman called that "a sad exploitation of scripture for a political attack."

Here we are again...

What happened to the good old days with Church on Sundays, penance a few times a year, Sunday school, Church picnics and waking up at 5:45 in the morning on Sundays for altar boy service.

Now we have to learn about holy trade unions, offshore investments, politics, construction and sacred real estate.

By the way, was Kerry nominated to be God's politician? We don't think God is Republican and He really couldn't give a rat's ass about the Democrats!