Only in Italy is a daily news column that reports funny and weird news on Italy, the mafia, Italian culture and Italian travel.

Only in Italy is a daily news column that reports funny and weird news on Italy, the mafia, Italian culture and Italian travel.

Only In Italy is a daily news column that translates & reports on funny but true news items from legitimate Italian news sources in Italy.
Only in Italy is a daily news column that reports funny and weird news on Italy, the mafia, Italian culture and Italian travel.Only in Italy is a daily news column that reports funny and weird news on Italy, the mafia, Italian culture and Italian travel.
 
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October 2008
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"Not-So-Secret Crime Fighters On the Way"

(10/02/08)

 

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"Che si dice?" Welcome to another religious and prophetic edition of "Only In Italy".

"Why oh why oh why, didn't president Truman, back after the war, leave Italy to the Soviet Union, (Communist) instead of giving them $100 million plus the Marshall plane plus aid, plus defense NATO entry, etc. Why or why didn't he do that! Rest in Peace Truman! Grrr!" Nick

Thanks for the letter, Nick!

Look, we were invading Albania, Greece, British Somalia and uninhabited Mediterranean islands during that war. We were completely befuddled and led by a fascist nincompoop leader.

We supplied Truman and the troops several years of hearty entertainment. The least he could have done was not turn us over to the Soviet Union.

Enjoy the issue, keep writing and Grazie!

Tanti Saluti,             
"Only In Italy" Staff      


Priest Stabber Was Inspired by Dull "Da Vinci Code" Film

Rome - September 26, 2008 - A 25-year-old man who tried to kill a priest by stabbing him in a Rome church has told police that he did so after the watching the film "The Da Vinci Code" and believing himself to be the anti-Christ.

The priest, Rev. Caino Calitri, 68, was in critical condition in a Rome hospital after he was stabbed repeatedly in the neck Tuesday by Marco Luzi, according to Italian media reports.

Police found a note in one of Luzi's pockets reading "this is just the beginning, 666."

The number 666 is known as "the number of the beast" in the Book of Revelation in the Bible.

Luzi, who stabbed three other people who had tried to help the priest, told police after his arrest that he had watched "The Da Vinci Code" on television the night before.

They also found various references to the novel by Dan Brown in Luzi's apartment, including a print of the "The Last Supper" fresco by Leonardo Da Vinci.

One note read "I, the anti-Christ."

The theme of the anti-Christ and Leonardo's fresco figure prominently in the best-selling book and its film adaptation, both of which have been condemned by the Vatican.

"The Da Vinci Code" outraged the Vatican and some Catholics because of its storyline that Jesus married Mary Magdalene and had children, creating a royal blood line that Church officials kept secret for centuries.

"I, the anti-Christ."
"You, the figlio di una mignotta."

Let's face it. Dan Brown's best seller novel was evidently not present in the lackluster, bloated and crappy movie adaptation of "The Da Vinci Code". Although, one can almost compare the futile film to the real life of Marco Luzi:

A lackluster, bloated and crappy anti-Christ jackass who lived a life full of silly and arbitrary plot twists and sudden reverses surrounded by thinly sketched family members and peculiar friends.

It's too bad Luzi didn't watch "La Dolce Vita" because all he would have done is taken a bath.

"Police found a note in one of Luzi's pockets reading "this is just the beginning, 666." No, this is the end, "vaffanculo"!

 

Anti Mafia School To Teach Agents Crime Fighting Skills

Rome - September 29, 2008 - A university course to teach 'secret agents' how to fight the Mafia is to begin on Saturday in the southern Italian region of Calabria, a Mafia stronghold.

A group of 35 agents will be trained by the University of Calabria and Cosenza on how to fight the Mafia known as 'Ndrangheta, reported an Italian weekly.

"The master's first objective is to create an 'intelligence' to contrast with organized crime," said program director, Mario Caligiuri.

"In Calabria there is not even a shred of a university course that deals with the 'Ndrangheta. The Turkish language is taught, but nothing about the history of 'Ndrangheta."

The students will learn about economic intelligence and the role of new technologies in criminal activities.

Former Italian President Francesco Cossiga as well as the former director of the Italian intelligence agency SISDE, Vittorio Stelo and Judge Rosario Priore will play a role in teaching the course.

The course lasts 19 days, with classes lasting 8 hours, followed by 100 hours of internship. The course costs 4,000 euros per person.

Italy's four main criminal organizations are the Sicilian Mafia, the Camorra in Naples and the surrounding Campania region, the 'Ndrangheta in the southern region of Calabria, and the Sacra Corona Unita in the southern Puglia region.

Cacchio, the tamest thing about that Calabria are the little red peperoncino peppers.

This university course is a hilarious jamboree of ignorance:

"A university course to teach 'secret agents' how to fight the Mafia..." FAIL! Hmmm...your secret cover blown by the registrar's office. Gee, we sure hope the Mafia doesn't find about this course and the secret agents. Excuse us, "students".

"The master's first objective is to create an 'intelligence' to contrast with organized crime." FAIL! The second objective is to create an intelligence to prevent the janitors at the University from discovering the first objective and passing it on to the Mafia.

"The Turkish language is taught, but nothing about the history of 'Ndrangheta." When you are forced to escape to Turkey in order to get away from the trauma of living in Calabria, the Turkish language can come quite in handy.

"The course lasts 19 days, with classes lasting 8 hours, followed by 100 hours of internship." FAIL! Congratulations! Here's your diploma.
What crime fighting skills could you learn in 19 days? Gymnastics?

Calabria has a better chance of ridding the Mafia with the crime fighting skills of "Batman and Robin".

 

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Sneaky Sex Headaches Can Kill

Milan - September 30, 2008 - Illicit love affairs can lead to crippling migraines in headache sufferers and may even kill, Italian researchers warned Tuesday.

A specific type of headache can turn nasty during sneaky sex, according to Lorenzo Pinessi of the Italian Migraine Society. He said it affects about 15% of the Italian population, mostly men.

"This type of headache can be exacerbated by a series of factors like aphrodisiac food, performance-enhancing drugs, physical strain and psychological stress caused by the need to keep the relationship secret," Pinessi said.

"It can trigger extremely strong migraine attacks lasting up to three hours".

Pinessi said headache sufferers who have such experiences should talk "openly" to their doctors about them.

"In 3-4% of cases they may cause a cerebral aneurysm," he said.

The neurologist said he advised such patients to "try and cool it, take a time-out from the affair and have a brain scan".

Hey bagascia! You're giving me a headache...

Here's some news for Dottore Lorenzo. Many working Italians are more interested in cheating on their partner at lunchtime than grabbing something to eat.

It appears that lunch (between 12:30 and 2:00) accounted for one in three acts of adultery. Regardless of the location, whether in the car, office, restaurant restroom, or mule shed, it has to be over and done with quickly while everyone else is out to lunch.

Dottore, if we're constantly skipping lunch and being blackmailed into adultery, we're going to have migraine attacks.

Other possible causes of these sex headaches are:

- a bashing over the head with a dull object after being caught in an affair,
- the preposterous and complicated legal procedure to obtain a much needed divorce in Italy (cause must be proven and the process takes a minimum of three years).

The neurologist said he advised such patients to "try and cool it, take a time-out from the affair and have a brain scan". This dottore deserves to be in the "Guinness Book of World Records" for creating the most inconceivable and head splitting excuse ever to end an affair.

 

Julian - Julius Caesar's cousin
 
 
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