"Cominciamo bene!" Welcome to a newsletter written by the only Italian idiots without a house in Montecarlo, "Only In Italy!"
We've received a few letters in the past regarding the positive and negative feedback we receive on our articles. (Yes, we are aware that it cannot be done directly on our site...but we're working on that. We'll launch our new blogging platform soon.)
We don't want to fool anyone. We'll admit it. We DO receive our share of negative feedback, hate mail, threats, etc. We would love to publish them but they're not entertaining enough. If some of you hate us but don't want to unsubscribe...that's another story. It means deep down we excite you in a strange way. Regardless, if you want to send us hate mail please take the example of this great letter we received a few years back that blew lots of sunshine up our behinds:
Author: Spero proprio che l'autore del sito in questione sia capace di leggere questa mail nel tanto odiato idioma italico.
Author: (anche se l'ignoranza esposta nel sito mi da dei dubbi non da poco)
Author: Fate schifo,
Author: mi piacerebbe sapere di quale nazionalita' l'autore, cosicche' noi si possa prendere in giro tutte le cagate del suo paese.
Author: Ti auguro le piu' grandi sfighe di questo mondo.
Enjoy the issue, keep writing and Grazie!
Rome - October 6, 2010 - Northern League leader Umberto Bossi made peace with Rome Wednesday over a meal of Roman and northern specialities like coda alla vaccinara and polenta, washed down with Lambrusco and Frascati wines.
"I've made peace with Rome," Bossi said after the meal with Rome Mayor Gianni Alemanno, a special event staged in front of the parliament building to patch things up after the outspoken federalist leader recycled an old joke about the Roman S.P.Q.R. label standing for "Romans Are Pigs".
"This is the moment to swap habits," Alemanno said. "After all the polemics, it's the moment of peace"."
Also present, along with League bigwigs, was Lazio Governor Renata Polverini who helped Bossi spoon up his rigatoni. But even in peace-making mode Bossi couldn't resist another dig at the planned Rome Formula One Grand Prix, the subject which prompted his original quip last week.
"Where the f**k are you going to race a GP in Rome," he told reporters.
Bossi got in Romans' bad books last week when, asked about the Rome GP and its potential rivalry with the Italian GP at Monza, said: "They can race their chariots in Rome...as we all know, S.P.Q.R. stands for 'They're Pigs, These Romans'".
The label, seen from ancient times all over the capital, is the Latin acronym for Senatus PopulusQue Romanus (The Senate and the Roman People).
Bossi took advantage of Wednesday's meal to reiterate his view that a general election was on the horizon in the spring.
Ahhh, the "minchione"...hard at work creating the perfect Italian society.
The Northern League party’s xenophobia is in essence a cheap by-product parmigiana dish of this idiot's efforts to create a shared identity among the Northerners he looks to unite. How? One way he does this is by presenting the common enemies:
First, it was Italians from the South (as in yours truly): If you buy a globe from the North of Italy, you'll find the African island (Sicily) erased from it along with the so-called "useless" heel (Puglia) and annoying boot tip (Reggio Calabria).
Kids from North Italy come home from school and say, "We heard in school today that there are regions of Italy called Sicily, Puglia and Reggio Calabria."
Then came the immigrants, Muslims in particular: "The Coast Guard and Finance Police should defend our coasts and use cannons. One way or another, these immigrants will be driven back." (Bossi)
"Immigrants have some rights...but only in their own countries." (Bossi)
Soon, it will be with the Eskimos: "Cazzarola, that's just what we need; Eskimos hunting for whale blubber in the Venice lagoons! Just point them in the direction of the high Alps where they can build igloos, rub their noses to keep warm, and keep quiet!"
'Fanculo everyone! Viva la Padania!
Rome - October 7, 2010 - The Italian FS state railways was accused Thursday of seeking to obstruct the arrival of a rival private competitor, Nuovo Trasporti Viaggiatori (NTV).
The accusation was made by NTV Chairman Luca Cordero di Montezemolo, the Ferrari chairman, who said that without an independent organ to ensure fair competition in the sector, million of euros of investment were at risk.
"We have taken on a great risk and there is no one who will make up for our losses. We have a business plan and if we don't become operative by next September we will pay out of our own pockets," Montezemolo explained at a press conference.
"Over the past few months we have encountered obstacles and delays on the part of FS which are aimed at penalizing the competition. These include unjustified excuses by FS which have kept us from testing our new trains and FS's failure to make available to us areas where we can carry out maintenance," he added.
Also at the press conference was NTV CEO Giuseppe Sciarrone who said "things have gotten much worse since July, this perhaps because our project has been going full steam ahead: our hub station in Nola will be ready by May and in January we will be able to present our train and related services".
NTV, in which the French railways has a 20% stake, seeks to become the first private open-access operator of high speed trains in Europe.
In order to overcome FS's alleged obstructionism, Montezemolo said he would meet soon with Premier Silvio Berlusconi and, this week, with Transport Minister Altero Matteoli. Another NTV partner, footwear tycoon Diego Della Valle, openly accused FS CEO Mauro Moretti of deliberately seeking to slow the competition and the deregulation of the sector.
"I am absolutely shocked to see the FS CEO always out to derail everything, trying in every way possible to sink a project which has the only defect of being done by us and not by him," Della Valle said.
"Maybe if he had spent less time sucking up to politicians he would have created what we did before we did," he added.
Rallying in NTV's defense, the consumer rights group Codacons announced on Thursday that it had filed a suit against FS accusing it of obstruction and unfair business practices. The group, however, also warned NTV that it expected to see top service, otherwise it, too, could find itself sued.
The vaffanculo voyage of traveling by Italy train:
Most of our trains look as if they were built when Mussolini was in power. That's because a large percentage in circulation were built back when the bald nutty ninny was alive.
Nonno: "Oh, cavolo, say what you like about Mussolini, he made the trains run on time."
We must also apologize to those who travel by train for our bad habit of posting the platform (track) on the movie screen 3-4 minutes before the train leaves. That's when your adventure begins when a herd of people come running down the platform like mad sheep and start entering unnumbered train cars. Many don't bother to wait for others to get off. They'll fight to haul a large luggage up high train steps while others are trying to push past.
You get on board and begin your ride in a cabin the size of your basement bathroom with 5 locals with faces that look like they belong in a racist cartoon.
Nonno: "Tourists always complaining. Ma che rompipalle! They should be honored to be in our country. I always suggest them to just eat a lot of pasta and shut up."
Grandchildren: "Hey, nonno, didn't we tell you a while ago to pick up your pants?"
Palermo - October 7, 2010 - One of Sicily's most dangerous mafia bosses was arrested on Thursday after 15 years on the run when police found him hiding in a secret space behind a wardrobe in his wife's luxury apartment, officials said.
Francesco Di Fresco was arrested after police became suspicious that his wife had hardly left the house in the last few months, a spokeswoman for the police force in the Sicilian capital Palermo told a news agency.
"They found him in the secret space," the spokeswoman said. During a previous search on Monday, investigators had found the table set for three while only his wife and his daughter could be seen in the apartment.
It was only when police returned with a detailed plan of the apartment that they discovered a secret closet, measuring 120 centimeters by 50 centimeters (47 inches by 19 inches), hidden behind a large wardrobe that could be moved.
"The mafia has received a serious blow today. Francesco Di Fresco was considered one of Cosa Nostra's most dangerous members in Palermo," Interior Minister Roberto Maroni said.
The mafia boss has been on the run since 1995 for kidnapping and murder and was one of the 100 most wanted fugitives in Italy.
You have to love our 'hide and go seek' game, Sicilian style. But there are few details on the outcome of this game we didn't understand. Maybe, our readers can help out.
1) Francesco has played the game for 15 years without being tagged. Isn't the aim of the game to touch his Palermo 'home base' without being tagged? In theory, he won.
2) "...his wife hardly left the house in the last few months." His wife is obviously not the brightest eggplant at the market. "Cornuta", what Sicilian woman in their right mind stays indoors during an entire hot Sicilian summer? That's like preparing a lasagna without mozzarella and hoping no one notices.
We wonder if his wife knows about the Berlin Wall.
3) Police had a detailed plan of the apartment and discovered a secret closet, measuring 120 cm by 50 cm (47 inches by 19 inches). FAIL! That's a "gran cazzata!" There is no such thing as a detailed plan of ANY home in all of Southern Italy. We're not idiots. We know that for every square meter of space we add to our homes, we have to pay taxes on it. If the police checked every secret space in every Southern Italian home, they would find more treasures than from King Tut's tomb, Mafia bosses on the run (alive and dead), the gunman from the grassy knoll, and the Lindbergh baby.
"They found him in the secret space..." Of course, after one of the officers took a break and leaned up against the dresser drawer, moving it by accident. "Cazzo", case solved!