"Bentornati ragazzi!" Rule for a better Italian life: Better the son-of-a-bitch you know than the jackass you don't. "Only In Italy!"

Can you believe we're still having warm weather here in Sicily? Now we're definitely aware something is going to go wrong? It's Sicilian logic!   

Enjoy the issue, keep writing and Grazie!

Rome - October 20, 2010 - Police are trying to track down two men who stole Cartier's most expensive ring, but one thing is clear: the bilingual, elegantly attired thieves were savvy.

Without pulling a weapon, the two men walked off with a 500,000 Euro ($693,000 USD) diamond-encrusted ring Tuesday evening from Cartier's store on Via Condotti, a shopping street near Rome's Spanish Steps, police said.

Police official Paolo Guiso, who is leading the investigation, told news agencies Wednesday that the thieves, speaking Arabic and French, talked their way into seeing several rings after telling the saleswoman they needed a special gift for a wedding. Italian news reports said the thieves were North Africans, but Guiso said that investigators were still trying to determine their nationality.

Cartier's press office in Milan declined to describe the stolen ring or confirm Italian press reports that a 5-carat diamond formed the centerpiece, and that the rest of the piece was encrusted with much smaller diamonds.

On Tuesday night, Rome's police headquarters said the thieves were shown the store's most expensive ring at their request. After an inspection at the store Wednesday, Guiso said the two men worked deftly and quickly.

"One man distracted the saleswoman" and while she was taking out still another ring to show the customers, "the other quickly took the ring," Guiso said.

He said one of the men then left, claiming he needed to find someone who spoke Italian but never came back. The other man also quickly and calmly exited the store. Both apparently blended into a crowd of shoppers outside. Witnesses said Tuesday the pair was seen getting into a waiting sedan with a driver and quickly left the scene.

But Guiso said it hasn't been confirmed the thieves had a getaway car waiting. Police said images from a video surveillance camera are being examined.

This story is dedicated to any of you who have ever strolled down the fashionable Via Condotti in Rome, stopped in front of one of these designer stores, and received that "look" from its employees or the detestable people who shop these stores. This was karma and a "bel vaffanculo!"

Hard to believe one of the oldest scams in the books can still be performed in 2010 and in one of the most expensive streets in the world. You could just imagine the planning between the Arab and French thieves:

French: "Then I'll distract her and you slip the huge ring in your pocket."
Arab: "Are you high?"
French: "No no, it will work. Trust me. These are Italians who are full of themselves."

As far as we're concerned, the employees of that Cartier store ("cazzo", excuse us, boutique) who live their lives like a country club deserved to be bilked. Maybe they'll be less gullible. We say the gentlemen who perpetrated this heist deserve a medal not jail time. They deserve a medal for locating stupid employees. They're doing us a favor. Now, we can identify all of them, flush them out and make sure they don't breed and file a job application again.

The Cartier spokespeople claimed the Via Condotti boutique was closed for more than 24 hours while the police performed their investigations. "Cazzate!" We believe they lost the key to the boutique.

Naples - October 20, 2010 - Three sisters were arrested Wednesday on suspicion of running one of the strongest clans in the Neapolitan Camorra mafia.

Lena, Giuseppina, and Patrizia Aprea allegedly kept the purse strings and ran drug rackets for the Aprea family whose head, their brother Vincenzo, is serving a lengthy prison term. The three women were among 16 arrested on charges ranging from mafia association to drug pushing and murder.

Women have been known to have prominent roles in Naples crime families before but this is the first time that "three sisters have been arrested at the head of one of the city's most powerful families," said flying squad chief Vittorio Pisani.

Lena, 33, acted as the clan's "official" spokesman with other crime families, he said, while Giuseppina, 41, had a "firm" hand on cashflow and Mafiosi paychecks and Patrizia, 47, "scrupulously" kept the family's books.

As is customary with many mafia arrests, especially in Naples, the three were applauded by friends and family as they were taken from Naples' central courthouse to join their brother in jail. A group of relatives including small children had been waiting since seven o'clock in the morning.

"Porca trota", how lovely! Ladies, you must understand that guys prefer Italian women who keep their feminine side somewhat together and keep the mystery alive. Try to be a little more ladylike. We don't want to hear mafia association, drug pushing, and murder. How are we supposed to react?

"Minchia, can't wait to race home and get her in bed!"

Unfortunately, these are Italian women who have grown up on the playground of hard knocks. Naples is a very industrial area with a huge unemployment population and a lot of poverty. So, we're not talking white-collar crime. We're talking about women who have only seen crime as a way of life. Ah, those poor husbands. Pavlov’s dogs weren't hassled as much as they were.

See? That's why another visit to that Naples is nowhere in our immediate future...unless Haley's Comet returns...and crashes into the Vesuvius volcano...and causes it to erupt.

"As is customary with many mafia arrests, especially in Naples, the three were applauded by friends and family as they were taken from Naples' central courthouse to join their brother in jail." Ah, we're supposed to understand the Naples community. That’s the problem with the police and sane people who don't live there like you and us. They don't understand the community. They don't understand that when criminals are applauded by friends and family...they're just paying their respects.

The cops have to load their guns and fire recklessly at these applauding Napolitani. Take these people and push their faces into the radiator fan while the police cars are running. Let’s all have a chance to applaud.

Milan - October 21, 2010 - A mystery mass spell of dizziness, shortness of breath and watering eyes hit Milan's motor vehicles licensing and registration office Thursday.

Some 18 members of staff and the public complained of an inability to breathe, stinging eyes and feeling faint.

Of these, one asked to be taken to hospital and 17 were medicated on the spot and quickly recovered.

The local branch of the Worldwide Fund for Nature said it had tested the air and "it contained no toxins".