"Mah...qui siamo." Rule #2 for a better Italian life: Place a small piece of ricotta cheese in a pan and cook it. If it becomes hard rather than melt, then your ricotta was NOT produced with powdered milk. "Only In Italy!"

I enjoy reading your newsletter although I am not Italian and have only been to Italy once.

We were in Naples on our honeymoon 20 years ago, just to get on the cruise ship. In less than 24 hours, I was robbed. Four men in a car stopped, one jumped out, grabbed my handbag, and took off. Of course, no one saw a thing. We were right in front of a schoolyard, with little children and nuns! While we were out walking, just sightseeing, every so often we saw a guy on a walkie talkie. I think they were watching us, or other tourists like us, then tipping off the "grabbers." Not likely I'll ever go back! Scribbler

Thanks for your heartbreaking story, Signora Scribbler. On behalf of those Napolitani and ignorant travel agent who booked your honeymoon, we sincerely apologize for the negative experience you encountered. However, we are very delighted to hear that your marriage is still going strong after 20 years. That's a rarity today. "Auguri!"

By the way, the gentlemen you saw with walkie-talkies at the ports were legit employees. Take our word for it. The ones that were tipping off the so-called "grabbers" were the little children with the nuns. Again, take our word for it.   

Enjoy the issue, keep writing and Grazie!

Rome - October 21, 20101 - The southern Italian seaside town of Castellammare di Stabia is planning to ban women from wearing miniskirts and outfits showing too much cleavage and make low-rise jeans a no-no for everyone.

The restrictions are part of a list of measures Luigi Bobbio, the center-right mayor of the town near Naples, will put to the local council for approval on Monday in a bid to "restore urban decorum and facilitate better civil co-existence".

Other measures include a ban on blasphemy and on playing soccer in the town's public parks, according to leaks of the list published in local newspapers. Offenders will face fines of between 25 and 500 euros, according to the reports.

The local parish priest backs the initiative.

"I think it's the right decision," Don Paolo Cecere told a local daily newspaper. "It's also a way of combating the rise in sexual harassment".

Absolutely, "cavolo!" We think it is essential to restore some sense of civil decorum. At the same time, more research is needed to establish exactly which miniskirts offend against civil decorum and which don't, and we would like to offer our services to undertake this research as soon as we find the same amount of free time Luigi the Mayor obviously has.

There should be other restrictions placed on the list thanks to Italian women who have delusions of adequacy:

- Obesity: When walking down the streets in Italy, it should be considered proper etiquette to pass obese women on the right side like a vehicle.

- Eyebrows: Why don't some Italian women believe in tweezing their eyebrows? Some of them have these "uni-brows". We would love to see these "uni-brows" grow just to see what they'll progress into.

- Coloring hair: Italian women like to dye their hair blonde. Problem is they don't try to get it all matching into one color. Some of them have three colors going on in their head. Bozo has more continuity in his hair color than some Italian women.

This doesn't mean Italian men are without fault. Have you ever seen the way some of them dress? Running around with their shirts half-buttoned. "Cornuti", that’s birth control!

Milan, October 22 - A gang of Milan con artists washed and dressed up homeless people to get them to open bank accounts and give them check books, Italian police said Friday.

The tramps were paid 400 euros plus meals in some of the Lombardy capital's upper class restaurants, police said.

Police said the scam had been going on for "six or seven years" and eventually amounted to 300 empty current accounts.

The gang was led by 60-year-old Salvatore P., who on one occasion was heard in a police wiretap asking an accomplice: "Did you pick up that dead-beat? Have you got a razor to make him presentable?"

The fraudsters used the check books to buy top-of-the-range home appliances like plasma TVs, DVD players, hi-fis and fridges as well as designer clothing, police said. These were then fenced off or sold to unwitting legitimate buyers, to the tune of some 7 million Euros ($10 million USD).

Six people were arrested and 40 placed under investigation for the swindle.

It's entertaining and hard to believe this scam went on for six to seven years in one of the most important financial cities in Europe. We wonder if those swindled Milan bankers could hear the distinct sound of Sicilians laughing.

It's no secret Italian banks (like all other banks around the world) bamboozled and strong-armed would-be investors into investing into convoluted, high-risk derivatives cow crap. We had banks offering guarantees against speculative risks, but the managers were ordering their ignorant sales operatives to cash in on customers, dumping high risks (losses) on Italian industrial firms.

And these "bastardi" bankers would force Italian industrialists to sign credit swaps under the threat of cutting off credit channels to the company. "Vaffanculo!"

Now, compare the amount of time, energy, and resources it took these high flying educated bankers to prepare and gift wrap these costly high-risk derivatives packages with what Milan con artists did with a homeless person, a bath, a razor, new clothes, some cash and a nice meal.

Milan Banker: "Ok, Signore Hobo DaVinci. I'm happy to say your account application was approved. Here are the checkbooks you requested."
Hobo (drooling): "Grazie."
Milan Banker: "Signore, before you leave, would you be interested in a low risk derivatives package custom made just for you?"
Hobo (still drooling): "Eh si, I'll take it. Let me just write you out a check..."

Milan - October 22, 2010 - A former beauty queen has sparked fury among parents at an Italian school who claims she is too attractive to be a teacher.

Ileana Tacconelli, 28, who has three degrees, has caused a storm after it emerged she was a former model and racy photographs and video footage of her were posted on the internet. As a result, one set of angry parents withdrew their daughter from the Catholic School in Milan.

But others - particularly fathers of students at the prestigious San Carlo Catholic High School - and the headteacher have stood by Miss Tacconelli.

The row erupted after one mother complained to the headteacher Father Aldo Geranzani claiming she was 'too attractive and a distraction'. Video of her acting in a comic sketch dressed in tight fitting hot pants and a bra then surfaced on the internet, as well as photographs of her posing in an American police uniform.

The former Miss Abruzzo - a beauty contest for a region of central Italy - was entered into the national contest but failed to win and went on to gain her teaching qualifications at a university. The story made the front page of Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi's family-owned newspaper, complete with an editorial explaining that the footage of her was more slapstick than soft porn as had been claimed.

Miss Tacconelli said: "All I will say is that if I had wanted to be a model or a showgirl I would have done it when I was younger and prettier."

"I have been a teacher here for three years and I have never had any problems. There is nothing really to say and I have the backing of the school and the parents."

"The child in question left a few weeks ago and nothing else was said. These things happen all the time at schools but she has caused all this publicity because she contacted the media."

"When I heard about it I was so surprised but all the other parents and the teachers have given me their support - they have even set up a fan club for me which is very sweet."

Osvaldo Songini, head of the upper school, said: "Ileana passed all the very strict requirements to be a teacher here and we are very satisfied."

"She was supervised during her probation and there were no problems."

"For us here, from don Geranzani down she is an optimum teacher and she has all the qualifications needed. We knew all about her past as she never kept it hidden."

The mother who withdrew her daughter from the school said she was disgusted with her treatment.

"All I asked for was clarity - I'm sure that two of the three degrees are not official," she said.

"I am not a bigot but I feel betrayed - I expected more from the San Carlo especially with the reputation it has."