Only in Italy is a daily news column that reports funny and weird news on Italy, the mafia, Italian culture and Italian travel.

Only in Italy is a daily news column that reports funny and weird news on Italy, the mafia, Italian culture and Italian travel.

Only In Italy is a daily news column that translates & reports on funny but true news items from legitimate Italian news sources in Italy.
Only in Italy is a daily news column that reports funny and weird news on Italy, the mafia, Italian culture and Italian travel.Only in Italy is a daily news column that reports funny and weird news on Italy, the mafia, Italian culture and Italian travel.
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March 2010
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"Introducing iSilvio"



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"Cazzo, che giornata!" Welcome to the only newsletter that believes communism in Italy was meant as a practical joke, "Only In Italy!"

Seriously, somebody please tell me, if Berlusconi is such a buffoon, how on earth did he become one of the most successful entrepreneurs in all of Europe and the longest-serving Prime Minister of Italy, a position he has held on three separate occasions? Gerard F.

Dear Geraldo, as he has mentioned several times, he was put on this earth to fight the evils of communism that was ruining society. He is a patient victim, he puts up with everyone, he sacrifices himself for everyone.

Sort of like a retarded Moses with painted asbestos for hair.

Enjoy the issue, keep writing and Grazie!

Tanti Saluti,             
"Only In Italy" Staff      

Italy Judges to Berlusconi: Please Stop Hurting Us With Your Words

Rome - March 2, 2010 - The Italian judiciary's self-governing body on Tuesday insisted that Premier Silvio Berlusconi stop insulting magistrates after remarks last week in which he compared them to a "gang of Taleban".

The resolution passed with a unanimous vote by the Supreme Council of Magistrates (CSM), who noted that the premier's most recent outburst had been added to a legal writ to safeguard the judges prosecuting him from intimidation. The rapporteur for the motion, Ugo Bergamo, said that Berlusconi's insults "are not only false but undermine the authority of the Italian judiciary".

"The premier used language unbecoming of a head of government. Instead of attacking the judiciary, he ought to be defending it as an institution of democracy," said Bergamo, a member of the opposition Catholic-centrist UDC party.

The offending remark came after a ruling by Italy's highest appeals court last Thursday quashing a jail sentence against his ex-British tax advisor, David Mills, because the time limit for the case had expired. However, it did not say whether or not Mills was guilty and does not have direct bearing on Berlusconi's own trial in which he is accused of bribing the lawyer to perjure himself in two previous trials.

Berlusconi denies all wrongdoing both in the that case and another trial involving charges of fraud in the sale of film rights by his media company Mediaset.

Berlusconi's attacks against judges have grown increasingly vehement since both trials were reactivated last October by a Constitutional Court ruling that stripped him of his immunity from prosecution. In a prior remark in January, he compared a man who attacked him before Christmas to his alleged judicial persecutors.

Berlusconi said the "legal attacks" against him were worse than the one suffered at the hands of Massimo Tartaglia, who broke his nose and two of his teeth with a souvenir replica of the Milan cathedral. The CSM added the remark to a list of other comments by the premier deriding his accusers as leftwing subversives.

Berlusconi supporters claimed the CSM's move was "further proof of its political agenda".

The premier in January said he would stop attending his trials because they were "execution squads".

Italian Justice System: "Porca miseria", leave us alone! Sigh...(sniff) :(

Dear Magistrates,

When confronted by someone like Berlusconi who bullies you or others, it can be a burdensome situation. Although it can be very demoralizing, there are things you can try that can help you deal with his bullying until you can tell someone you trust.

There's no perfect solution, but some of the following might help:

"85% of the Italian press is left-wing and among the judges it is even worse... There is a cancer in Italy that we have to treat: the politicization of the magistracy." (Avoid places where his bullying normally takes place)

"Those judges are doubly mad! In the first place, because they are politically mad, and in the second place because they are mad anyway." (Stay calm and walk away when his bullying starts.)

"To do that kind of job you must be mentally disturbed. If they do that kind of job is because they are anthropologically different from the other human beings." (Don't listen to what he is saying about you.)

"I'm the Jesus Christ of politics, I am a patient victim, I put up with everyone, I sacrifice myself for everyone." (Don't let him see he's getting to you.)

"I had to suffer more than 2.500 hearings. I worked hard and I saved enough money to spend more than 200 million euros for legal consultants and judges...oh, I mean attorneys" (Act confident; if you show you're not afraid, he might leave you alone.)

"I am the person who is the most harassed by judges in worldwide human history." (People like Silvio who bully want to get a reaction out of you, but don't retaliate.)

"The real Italian anomaly is not [me] Silvio Berlusconi but communist prosecutors and communist judges in Milan who have attacked him again and again since he entered politics and decided to attack the power of the communists." (Don't suffer in silence, bullying is wrong and you should tell someone.)


Introducing iSilvio

Rome - March 3, 2010 - An Italian entrepreneur has created an iPhone application for fans of Silvio Berlusconi who feel they haven't had enough of his jokes, gaffes and speeches.

The application, called iSilvio, was created by Luigi Marino, a 25-year-old Neapolitan who in January put together a similar feature celebrating the life of Mussolini.

Released earlier this week, it sells on Apple’s online store for $1.99 and has become the 30th most downloaded iPhone application in Italy.

Entitled Silvio: The Man, the Businessman, the Politician, it includes his biography, a collection of his public addresses and some of the best-known quips and gaffes he has made during a 16-year political career in which he has been prime minister three times.

Mr. Marino said he was not a supporter of Mr Berlusconi’s People of Freedom party, and that the application had not been authorized by the prime minister’s office.

The popularity of his iMussolini application caused considerable consternation in Italy, where memories of the fascist period and Italy’s disastrous alliance with Germany remain raw among many older people. It became the second most downloaded application in the week that the country commemorated Holocaust Memorial Day the 65th anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz by Soviet forces.

The Left-leaning La Repubblica newspaper said its popularity was "shocking", while a member of the Italian Communist Party called the application "disgraceful".

What the..."figlio di una mignotta!" How did he get his repulsive face on my start screen?!

Hmmm... iSilvio and my iPhone itself cannot possibly have enough RAM available to chronicle the entire life of this ignoramus.

iSilvio app features:

Silviopedia: A worthless encyclopedia built collaboratively using the ramblings and inconsistencies of a nitwit Prime Minister.
Example: What is communism?
Silvio: "Read The Black Book of Communism and you will discover that in the China of Mao, they did not eat children, but had them boiled to fertilize the fields."

Silvio Stock Quotes: Constant and irritating quote updates on companies that make up Silvio's personal business empire. Moronic investment advice included:
Silvio: "Italy is now a great country to invest in... today we have fewer communists and those who are still there deny having been one. Another reason to invest in Italy is that we have beautiful secretaries... superb girls."

Silvio's Black Book: You can add an outstanding list of female contacts to your existing address book, such as the numbers of several so-called 'escorts', calendar girls and teenage models.

Silvio's Jokes: A seemingly endless catalog of incredibly drippy jokes.
Example: "An Aids patient asks his doctor whether the sand treatment prescribed him will do any good. 'No', the doctor replies, 'but you will get accustomed to living under the earth'."

And if you want to uninstall this pointless piece of crapware, click the "x" in the upper left hand corner of the icon of the app and cross your fingers that it doesn't crash. If it was uninstalled successfully, you should receive the following farewell message from Silvio:

"You have lost your minds; you really have come to the end of the line, indeed you have gone beyond it. I would advise you, too, to undergo sand treatment..."


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Sex Can Bring On Migraines

Rome - March 3, 2010 - Blaming headaches may be a common way to say no to intimacy, but it's no excuse for half a million Italians who cannot have sex without getting a migraine, a Rome headache specialist said Wednesday.

"So-called 'sex headaches' affect about 1% of the population and can be both painful and frustrating," said Pietro Barbanti, director of Rome's San Raffaele Headache Center.

Barbanti explained that sex-related migraines fall into two categories, those which strike during the act and those which follow afterwards.

"Headaches that develop mid-coitus are much more common, but the ones triggered by orgasm can be excruciating," he said.

Barbanti added while most chronic headaches are more prevalent among women, sex-related migraines are almost three times as common among men. He estimated that around 500,000 Italians suffer from headaches during intimacy, "most of which are bearable enough not to compromise peoples' sex lives".

But he said more severe cases could become a major obstacle to a patient's ability to carry on a relationship.

"The first thing that's important to understand is that sex can trigger migraines and that it's not as uncommon as it sounds".

"The second thing is that there are usually ways to get the pain under control and sometimes to banish the headaches for good".

According to Barbanti, sex headaches are just one of over 200 different kinds of cephalagia experts have identified so far. The Rome specialist said those included some even stranger varieties triggered by seemingly random sights, smells and sounds.

"I remember one patient who got a migraine every time she smelled hot dogs," recalled Barbanti.

He said other patients got headaches when they coughed, heard thunder or saw bright colors. He said that sensory oriented headaches were far more common among women, who were more likely to suffer from migraines in general.

Of the eight million Italians who complain of chronic headaches, four out of five them are women, Barbanti said.

"I've heard several women compare their worst headaches to childbirth," he added.

The specialist said scientists were still struggling to understand why the phenomenon was more common among women, though recent theories centered on the hormonal fluxes involved with their menstrual cycles. He said that women tended to diet more than men, which could lead to sudden bouts of low blood sugar, one known cause of headaches.

According to Barbanti, however, stress is the underlying cause for 75% of all chronic headaches in both men and women.

"The best treatment option in most cases are lifestyle changes like drinking less, cutting out caffeine and getting plenty of exercise," he said.

But Barbanti warned headaches could also serve as warning alarms for more serious health problems and that people should pay attention when they suddenly get worse or last longer than usual.

"If you realize that you're only able to get from one day to the next on a heavy regimen of pain killers, you should probably talk to a specialist," he said.

"Porca miseria" Ladies! What are you trying to say? Are Italian men that hideous and insufferable?
"'Fanculo, this story is so depressing it makes our private parts want to pack up and leave.

"I remember one patient who got a migraine every time she smelled hot dogs." Sort of like dating a man from the deep neighborhoods of Naples; running around with their shirts half-buttoned and that cheap Napolitano after-shave wafting in the air. That's birth control! "Cavolo", you could almost feel that chronic headache coming on.

"I've heard several women compare their worst headaches to childbirth." "Madonna", childbirth?! This is just another angry way of saying that Italian women want to be hassled less than Pavlov's dogs were and that we should help out more around the home rather pacing ourselves like Sicilian slugs.

"The best treatment option in most cases are lifestyle changes like drinking less, cutting out caffeine and getting plenty of exercise." Wow! Vaffanculo! You try convincing a man from Bergamo to cut back on the grappa and espresso. And moving from one park bench to the next in the middle of the piazza while on the hunt for incoherent arguments is all the exercise he's going to get.

Quite frankly, we think the best treatment option for migraines is to follow these 3 simple rules for a happy Italian marriage:

- Argue about money,
- Never go to bed happy,
- Criticize each other’s weight,

Oh, and leave the door open when you use the bathroom.


Julian - Julius Caesar's cousin
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